


Indelible Imprints

by ionicallyme



Series: Slow Burn [1]
Category: Orphan Black (TV)
Genre: Alternate Universe - High School, Angst with a Happy Ending, F/F, Hurts So Good, Romance, So much angst
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2016-05-22
Updated: 2017-12-29
Packaged: 2018-06-10 01:44:08
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 11
Words: 25,490
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/6932818
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/ionicallyme/pseuds/ionicallyme
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Sillage n. – the scent that lingers in the air, the trail left in the water, the impression made in space after something or someone has been and gone; the trace of someone’s perfume.</p><p>Cosima becomes aware of the shape of a particular person's imprint on her life.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> This WILL be finished and is part of an overall series called Slow Burn, which was the original name of the story. I realized that it didn't fit so the title has been changed. Slow Burn is in reference to the song that inspired this tale (Slow Burn by Crywolf). The song heavily informed this piece so you should give it a listen! 
> 
> As always, major thanks to my buddy Saint11icarus for editing, letting me bounce ideas off of her noggin, and calling me out when things need changing.

The glare of the late afternoon sun made the white pages of the book nestled in Cosima’s lap reflect light to the point where she had to squint and, even though she wasn’t actually reading, the effort was beginning to give her a headache. Her booted foot tapped a vague beat against the bleachers and she checked the time again. The football team would take the field in a matter of minutes and she hoped to ditch the area before they emerged.

  
Cosima glanced up upon hearing the clang of footfalls on metallic bleachers and spotted Justin Reddick, dressed in his practice uniform, swiftly climbing the steps in her direction. She looked back at the book, pretending to read once more as she nonchalantly lowered her palm onto the bench.

  
The usually-cocky football player lowered himself awkwardly next to her, nervous energy emanating from perfectly coiffed hair all the way to green-stained cleats. This kid had never done a drug deal in his life.

  
“Hey Justin, I outlined those chapters."  

  
“Cool, maybe I’ll pass that damn test now.”

  
“Right. Just let me know if you need anything else.”

  
Wanting to end the exchange, Cosima offered a slight finger tap to indicate where he should place the twenty-dollar bill folded up in his hand and, while the transfer wasn’t smooth, Justin was earnest in his attempt to nonchalantly slide the money under her palm. She expertly palmed the unfortunately damp bill and slipped it into her bag before pulling out a tattered history textbook. Cosima tutored for extra cash so this exchange with the football player wouldn’t seem too unusual- although the history book was anything but normal, a hollowed-out section created a compartment perfect for such transactions.

  
Justin quickly grabbed for the textbook as the sounds of rowdy boys approaching the field came from across the wide, empty space and thanked her before bounding down the bleachers just as his teammates rounded the corner into the stadium.

  
Cosima rolled her head to dissipate the tension that had grown. The experience reminded her why she hated accepting new customers. She preferred people that could handle themselves – it reduced the chances of attracting trouble and as twisted as it sounded, she trusted the group of people that she dealt to on a regular basis to preserve her anonymity. Deciding to leave before anyone paid her too much attention, Cosima stuffed the book into her canvas messenger bag and stood up.

  
Instead of moving as intended, Cosima stumbled forward when a hand reached out from behind the bleachers to grab her boot - she barely caught herself from stumbling downward. Cosima cursed loudly as a familiar snigger arose from below.  

  
“Must you be such an asshole, Sarah?” She hissed. Bending down to look beneath the bleachers, Cosima glared at the punk who stood defiantly in place. Felix sat behind her on a low-hanging steel beam that ran parallel to the ground, a hand over his mouth.

  
“What, don’t want jocks gettin’ a whiff of the friendly neighborhood drug dealer?” Sarah rejoined, voice full of attitude but betrayed by the playful grin pulling at her lips.

  
“Just wait there.”

  
By the time she climbed into the back part of the stands both of them were sitting on the beam. Sarah had a handful of rocks and was pitching them between two closely-placed beams, narrowly avoiding a huge racket with each toss. Felix sat next to Sarah, staring into the phone with a dreamy smile on his face.

  
“So who is it this week?” Cosima teased as she slid in next to Felix.

  
“That’s the question of the friggin hour,” Sarah commented. Felix harrumphed and began texting furiously but Cosima waited, knowing that he wouldn’t be able to hold off for long.

  
After a few moments he muttered, “Kurt,” without looking up from the screen.

 

Sarah gawked. “Kurt Baker?” They only knew one Kurt. The nod was barely visible as Felix remained engrossed in his phone but Cosima knew that it was a front. He was waiting for their reaction.

  
Sarah exploded up from the beam, “holy shite.”

  
“Yeah,” Cosima agreed, thoughtfully.

  
“What about the stutter?” Sarah’s tone was light but Cosima knew that the words would sting nonetheless.

  
Felix scoffed and shot up to stand face-to-face with his sister, arms firmly crossed.

 

“Woah now,” Cosima sprang into action, standing between Felix and Sarah.

 

“What?” Sarah could be so thick at times.

 

“The stutter is aDORable,” Felix stated indignantly, moving his hands to place one on either hip.

 

“I can totally see that,” Cosima began, “and neither Sarah nor I can judge someone for what their heart wants.” She stared pointedly at the other girl who put her hands up in defense.

 

“Oi, I didn’t mean anything by it,” Sarah stalked back to the steel beam.

 

“Thanks Cos, but to be fair it’s not necessarily my heart that wants him,” Felix’s grin was wolfish and both Cosima and Sarah couldn’t contain their laughter. That moment diffused whatever tension was in the air and they all sat back down.

 

“Cos, S said you’re welcome to dinner,” Sarah said.   

 

Mrs. S was in the habit of offering Cosima dinner and did so most nights - at this point the invitation was standing but she had a feeling that Mrs. S wanted to ease her own worry more than anything else. The older woman made a habit of taking care of strays.

 

“Tell her thanks but I have work in like an hour.” Cosima held a part-time job at a local bookstore. It mostly served as a front to the side business but, as an avid reader, the discount was killer.  

 

Three heads snapped up as the telltale clang of steps on the bleachers echoed around the enclosed space. The laughter that came next was the first indication of who was approaching and the flash of blonde between the narrowed slats confirmed her inclination. Before Cosima could listen too intently the cellphone buried in her jacket buzzed and she winced, diving for the offending object.

 

\- lookie there its ur gf -, a shot of anxiety coursed through Cosima’s veins as she read the text message. Her head whipped up to face a smug Sarah.  

 

\- Umm, what? – Cosima mentally berated herself as she sent the response. _Smooth, Cosima. Real smooth._

 

Sarah rolled her eyes and responded, - Dana. Heard u 2 have been snogging. –

 

Dana Price. Relief rolled over her almost as powerfully as the anxiety had, leaving behind an uneasy sensation. It was true, she’d been hooking up with Dana, and until now Cosima thought it was on the DL but obviously there was a weak link. She had an idea as to who it was.

 

Cosima reached up and tapped Felix, who sat next to her still engrossed in his phone. She shoved the device towards him and watched as he frowned at the texts before turning on Sarah and flicking her on the head. Felix mouthed a sincere ‘I’m sorry’ but Cosima was too busy containing her laughter at Sarah’s obvious offense.

 

She wasn’t mad, the whole thing was really only a secret as per the other girl’s request – public knowledge of Cosima’s connection to her, especially any romantic one, would kill her reputation and to girls like Dana appearances were everything.

 

Cosima knew all too well how appearances were bullshit.

 

Deciding to leave the situation before it became super awkward, Cosima sent the siblings a group message - off to work, peace. -

 

A fist bump and one half-hug later she was exiting the bleachers on the farthest end from the two girls who were too engrossed in conversation to notice her anyway.

 

**********

 

Cosima strolled down the sidewalk, the occasional headlight beam from an oncoming car glinting off her glasses. She observed the patterns that the light took as it scattered across her field of vision, delighting herself in its striking geometry.

  
She supposed that most kids her age probably weren’t allowed to walk home at 11:00 on a school night. Even Sarah and Felix were expected to be home by 10:00 - a rule the pair had received stiff penalties for enough times that they actually mostly obeyed it, albeit not without verbal protest.

  
That evening Cosima stayed at the bookstore later than usual to return it back to normal order. A group of teenagers took a whirlwind tour through the stacks and in their wake an insane amount of books were out of place. Her boss Mrs. Evans, a nice if not occasionally feisty 65-year old woman, insisted that Cosima go home for the night but she couldn’t leave the older woman alone to do the job. They knocked it out together and shared a quick cup of tea before Cosima decided that she ought to actually head out.

 

Twenty minutes into a walk that only took ten, Cosima decided to bite the bullet. She lived in a tiny apartment with her mother and as she approached the building it became obvious that every single light in the unit was on. She often made little bets with herself as to what state her mother would be in upon arrival. Tonight Cosima guessed that she was likely to be out cold, fallen victim to the warm embrace of Jack Daniels. It was the same prediction that she had made every other night that week and so far Cosima was on a winning streak.

 

The door was slightly ajar but worry quickly morphed into annoyance as she burst into the living room to find her mother snoring lightly and sprawled across the couch, one arm outstretched towards an empty glass on the end table.

 

Cosima sighed, a deep heavy thing that caught in her chest. Over the last several years her habits grew increasingly destructive, interfering with most aspects of their lives to the point where Cosima felt like the adult in the situation.

 

She popped into the master bedroom to grab a blanket and pillow then moved back into the living room. Cosima lifted a hanging leg back into place and carefully covered her mother’s prone form, getting as far as placing the pillow under her head before brown eyes snapped open.

 

“Cosima?” Her mother’s voice was roughened by sleep and vice. Eyes that were once warm looked up at Cosima somewhat vacantly.

 

“That’s me.” Cosima kept her tone light and forced a smile.   

 

“Your friend stopped by,” her mother’s lids were drooping again. “It’s in the fridge.”

 

No further information was forthcoming. Cosima leaned back on her heels to gaze at the woman with whom she shared blood, sadly contemplating who she might have been in an alternate timeline – one where Cosima’s father hadn’t been murdered for $20 and a wristwatch.

 

Curiosity took over and Cosima found herself in the kitchen opening the door of the refrigerator to find a mostly-bare interior. Her eyes quickly located a brown bag with a note attached to its side.

 

‘I noticed that you didn’t eat lunch.  
P.S. the three of you were not being very sneaky under the bleachers.  
\- D ‘

 

With a smile firmly upon her face Cosima opened the bag and found what she referred to as a BAS – big ass salad – topped with all of her favorites.

 

As she dug her fork into the first real thing that she had eaten all day Cosima couldn’t help but think that perhaps the night wasn’t a complete loss.


	2. Chapter 2

Cosima never had to look far to observe the wonders of natural law and organization or, alternatively, chaos. She loved to imagine the various principles that work together to form seamless physical and biological systems. It occupied her mind a ridiculous amount of the time, often taking her away from reality and into theoretical realms.

Early on in life she learned that most people couldn’t appreciate the complexities she found so irresistible and, before the new girl Sarah Manning inexplicably took a liking to her, Cosima was the target of some general schoolyard bullying. But Sarah had a habit of talking with her fists so it didn’t last too long.

  
Over the years Cosima had carved out her own little spot in the established social order. She was able to move fluidly around different social circles without drawing too much attention. It was as if she existed on the outside yet could peek mostly undetected into the various biomes that made up Anderson West High School. People came to her for for tutoring and the procurement of marijuana, two things which require discretion, so Cosima was afforded a certain latitude when it came to social interaction.

 

Even still, she only kept a very tight group of friends. Several of whom were staring at Cosima expectantly, snapping her attention away from the nebulous movement of the clouds and back to the ring of people in which she sat. They were chilling under a tree – Sara, Tony, Beth, and herself – while others milled about before the start of the school day.

 

“You in?” Beth reiterated with a tinge of irritation. Cosima hadn’t been paying an ounce of attention. “Yeah, totes,” she only hoped whatever she just agreed to didn’t involve something that was too morally suspect.

 

“Sweet, my old man already said that we could borrow his Pathfinder and a few tents,” Tony beamed.

 

Camping. Shit. The group had been talking about it all week but Cosima never actually intended on going,  she had other plans… but the likelihood of those plans happening dwindled as Beth went on about a canoe. “... so my parents shouldn’t have a problem with me taking it.”

 

“I got the booze,” Sarah added.

 

Cosima resigned herself to her fate. “I’ll supply the smokeables.”

 

“Nice,” Tony rubbed his hands together, “between everybody else I think we’ll get this sorted out.”

 

The first bell rang, sending students flurrying about in all directions. Cosima stood and brushed grass off of her geometrically-patterned maxi skirt. Bending down to gather her bag, she bid the group farewell and headed off to home room.

 

Cosima slid into the classroom right before late bell rang and lamented for the hundredth time that the one class she was obligated to attend every day was also her worst subject: French. She dropped her bag onto the desk and settled into the graffitied desk she was assigned to and pulled out her phone.  

 

“If we could all put away our phones,” Mr. Moreau gave Cosima a pointed look and she sheepishly slid her phone back into the bag before lowering it onto the floor, smiling apologetically at the teacher.

 

French class was a marathon of worksheets and pronunciation exercises and by the end of the period Cosima swore that her brain was oozing from her ears out of sheer boredom. A great relief swept through her as the bell signaled an end to the torture.

 

Anderson’s period system consisted of seven classes that alternated on ‘odd’ and ‘even’ days with first period being an everyday affair. Cosima’s schedule seemed woefully uneven, as most of her least favorite classes fell on odd days. Third period was Macroeconomics and Cosima spent it covertly doing homework for fifth period, AP English Literature, since she never got around to it the previous night.

  
When the lunch bell rang she shot towards the cafeteria. Upon entering the noisy space she quickly found Felix at one of the hexagonal tables towards the back. Even from afar Cosima could see the sour look on his face so she approached with caution.

 

“Heya, Fe.” Cosima tilted her head to the side. Felix harrumphed and crossed his arms, glaring up at her.

 

“Out of everybody I thought at least you would be on my side.”

 

Absolutely lost, Cosima fixed her glasses. “I need a little context here...” Felix sighed and leaned forward, resting his upper body on the table. “Camping,” he hissed, as if it was the most distasteful thing in the universe.

 

“Ahh,” Cosima grinned, inordinately amused at his flagrant disdain. She took the chair beside him. “Dude, I’m getting tugged along to this shindig too. Think of it this way: it’s basically the same as any other weekend but instead this time we get high in the woods.”

 

Felix was unmoved. “Then let’s stay home and get high in the AC. Do you have any idea what this will do to my hair?” He pointed to his perfectly managed head.

 

Sarah approached from behind Felix. “Get off it, Fe,” She ordered, plopping a tray onto the table. “You’re going and it’s gonna be fun, end of story.”

 

A positively beaming Tony joined the group, clogging up whatever sass was about to pour from Felix’s mouth. "What?" Felix asked, a lopsided grin dramatically shifting his demeanor.

 

"Just got off of the phone with the rents. I can bring the fishing gear," Tony announced.

 

Cosima winced. "Nah, dude, I'll stick to the canoe and steer clear from the killing."

 

Tony dismissed her with a hand wave. "Fish don't have a central nervous system, Cosima. They can't feel it."

 

"Well I do and I can feel it plenty for the both of us, in here," pointing to her left breast.

 

"What, in your tit?" Sarah chuckled evilly.

 

Beth and Alison entered as everyone was having a good laugh at Cosima’s expense. Beth pulled out a chair for Alison without being entirely obvious about it and then took a seat beside her, rounding out their group.

 

"What's so funny here?" Alison asked.

 

"Cos' tits!" Felix declared loudly. A few kids from a neighboring table glanced over and Cosima buried her head in the oversized scarf that hung around her neck.

 

"Cosima has perfectly fine ‘tits’."

 

She peeked up at Alison from her place within the scarf. "Thanks, Alison."

 

Alison looked pleased with herself. "You're welcome, Cosima." She then turned her attention towards the group, "Beth told me about the upcoming adventure. I would like to come along, if it’s all right."

 

Cosima's head flew out of the scarf and she looked around at everyone, who wore similarly shocked expressions.

 

"I'm sorry, luv, did I just hear you express interest in camping?" Felix again grimaced at the word.

 

"I happen to enjoy camping. I received several badges for it during my time in the Girl Scouts," Alison stated, as if it didn't sound absolutely ridiculous. Beth wrapped her arm around the back of Alison's chair, taking pleasure in the group's reaction. "We could benefit from her experience," Beth commented, "Plus, I want her there." Alison looked at Beth thankfully.

 

"Yeah, of course," Cosima was the first to regain composure, "we'd love to have you there."

 

Everyone else agreed and they got back down to the real business, like what food were they going to bring. They couldn't just live off of beer and weed for the entire weekend, even though Sarah almost convincingly argued the counterpoint.

 

+++++

 

Cosima strolled down an alleyway that smelled like warm bread and smiled as Mr. Mayid stepped out of the bakery's back door with a bag of garbage. He sent Cosima friendly greetings and she waved back. The man probably assumed that she lived in the area, which wouldn’t be a ridiculous assumption considering the frequency in which they met like this, but she didn't- well, strictly speaking. Cosima considered this place more of a home than the apartment that she shared with her mother.

 

Once the coast was clear she quickly unlocked a nondescript steel door a bit further down the way, letting herself into a small landing and taking a narrow staircase to the right. Coming to a large metal sliding door clasped shut by a bulky padlock, she located a well-worn key and let herself into The Clubhouse; it greeted her with a wave of vanilla lavender and she happily breathed it in.

  
This was Cosima's safe space and only one other person in the world knew about its existence. A person who hadn’t arrived yet, she noted with a twinge of disappointment, so she had some time to be productive.

 

A large bookshelf ran along the wall to the right. Cosima had carefully selected every book on the overflowing shelf; scientific texts, an impressive fantasy selection, a section dedicated to the classics... It took a lot of work to amass such a collection and Cosima considered it her love child.

  
She grabbed an AP Anatomy and Physiology textbook and moved further into the flat, stepping through a beaded curtain that obscured the bedroom nook to plop down on the bed. She propped her head up on one hand while using the other to turn pages. Dreadlocks slowly dipped closer to the textbook’s pages as Cosima's eyes grew heavy and eventually slipped closed, her head coming to rest on its surface.

  
Her brain didn’t initially register the dip in the bed or the gentle words but slowly stimulus began trickling into her awareness.

  
"Cosima." A thumb was rubbing light circles into the skin of her arm.

  
"Mmmm, feels nice." Cosima scooted closer to the source only to find empty bed. Still mostly asleep, she pouted and rolled onto her back. She stretched lazily before taking her glasses off to rub tired eyes. Her brain, which had been seriously lagging, caught up to the situation and she sat up to find a familiar face regarding her. Delphine Cormier stood by the side of the bed with a half-smile tugging on her lips.

  
"You slept well, oui?"

 

“Oh hush,” Cosima chucked a pillow at the girl but it missed by a mile. Delphine’s smile turned devilish. "Before you break anything I'm going to the couch. Join me?"

 

Cosima mumbled her assent and replaced her glasses before wrangling her many dreadlocks into a bun. When she got to the chill zone, a sitting area with a ridiculously comfortable old couch, Delphine already occupied one end so Cosima took the other side. She mimicked Delphine’s position, folding her legs up under herself, albeit a bit less delicately than the blonde.  

 

"Dude I waited on you for, like, ever." Cosima looking out the large window that took up most of the back wall of the loft - it was dark outside.

 

"My parents, they insisted on giving me a detailed list of what I should and shouldn't do this weekend while they’re gone," Delphine responded apologetically. "I made it here as soon as I could."

 

"No worries, I got one helluva nap out of it," Cosima tried to dismiss the guilty look on the other girl's face.

 

"Are you not sleeping well?" Delphine asked, guilt morphing into worry.

 

"Nah, I'm fine I just had a late night yesterday," Cosima brushed the question off. "Speaking of, I got the super delicious salad that you dropped off."

 

"I’m glad, you should eat more."

 

"Way to be a creeper though, watching me at lunch."

 

Delphine's face dropped and Cosima swore she saw a pink tint in the faint light. "I, uh, well-” “It's cool, I'm just screwing with you," Cosima relented, somewhat confused. Delphine could usually take a joke.

 

"Oh," Delphine chuckled.

 

"So, about this weekend..." Cosima trailed off, knowing she was going to disappoint Delphine yet again. They already had to reschedule movie night two times that month and while Cosima preferred Lord of the Rings and junk food to camping, she already made her bed. The gang would literally drag her out into the woods if she tried to bail. "There’s this camping trip that I don’t think I can get out of, not without a ton of shit and too many questions about where I’d rather be.”

 

Delphine cocked her head to the side, silent for a moment. "I see," she said, obviously trying to keep a pleasant look upon her face.

 

Cosima hated to see the disappointment written on her friend's face. She scooted a little bit closer, a terrible plan forming in her mind. "BUT," she began, drawing those hazel eyes back up. "I have an idea. How do you feel about camping?"

 

Understanding dawned and Delphine shook her head incredulously, curls bouncing along with the motion. "Cosima, I- I don't think that's a good idea.”

 

"They know that we’re friends, they just don’t know everything. Come on, think about it," Cosima insisted against her better judgement. There was a reason why they kept their lives separate and this idea flew in the face of that.

 

"How much do they know?"

 

"Well, nothing really, but they know how to keep their mouths shut," Cosima paused, "mostly. When it's important."

 

Delphine didn't look convinced.

 

Cosima tried a different tactic. "We are going to canoe and hike and eat weird food that you have to cook with a stick. This is an American experience that you shouldn't miss out on."

 

Delphine smiled faintly as she thoughtfully played with the fabric of her pants. After a few moments she looked up, her face serious. "This is crazy, you do realize that?"

 

"I know and you totally don't have to come," Cosima stopped to gather her words. "But I would love to have you there."

 

“You don't play fair, Cosima Niehaus."

 

Cosima grinned, "So you'll come?"

 

"Oui, I'll come."


	3. Chapter 3

"London calling to the faraway towns  
Now war is declared, and battle come down  
London calling to the underworld   
Come out of the cupboard, you boys and girls!" 

Sarah and Felix belted the opening words to London Calling from the middle seat of the Pathfinder, moving their bodies about frantically in the small space. Tony laughed and bobbed his head along as he drove while Alison, in the passenger seat, switched between looking out the window and glancing back at the dancing pair. Beth was stuck next to Sarah and Felix but she didn't seem to mind as she twitched about somewhat rhythmically to the beat. 

Cosima and Delphine sat smooshed together in the back row amongst the ridiculous amount of gear that was packed into the SUV. A photographic atlas of the stars was spread out between them and Cosima excitedly pointed things out, stoked about the prospect of what they might see that night - there were no stars in the city. 

"This right here," Cosima pointed, "is Cassioppeia A. It's a freaking supernova remnant. How cool is that?" She asked, leaning into Delphine's ear to be heard over the chaos. 

Delphine quickly moved her head away but Cosima pretended not to notice - the other girl had been uneasy since they joined the rest of the group. It was natural, Cosima assumed, since they weren't used to interacting around other people. 

"It's really cool," Delphine agreed with a genuine smile. "Tonight when you point it out you will have to explain to me exactly what that is." 

Cosima beamed, "totally." 

The pair continued to look at the book in silence until Tony turned the stereo down and pointed towards the change in scenery. The familiar shapes of the city were left behind as they navigated hilly, green terrain. 

"So this is what we're missing stuck in the city all year 'round," Sarah commented in a bored tone. 

"Oh please, your nose is practically glued to the glass," Alison returned. 

"Look!" Beth interjected over the ensuing laughter, "deer!" She pointed to a figure obscured by the tree line and six heads swivelled to get a better look. 

Cosima squinted, fairly certain that it was a fallen tree stump. 

"Eh, Beth, I think that's a-" Cosima froze as Delphine excitedly leaned over her towards the window, one hand on her thigh for support and the other on the back of the chair. 

"It's a what?" Felix asked from his position crowded next to Beth in the window. 

"It's, uh, like a tree or something," Cosima finished lamely, blonde curls tickling her face. Delphine turned her head and their noses touched, eyes meeting briefly before the blonde averted hers and swiftly moved back into her own space. 

"Oh well, it's past now," Delphine concluded, looking out the window on her side of the car. 

"Yeah," Cosima agreed, head swimming. 

"It was definitely a deer," Beth insisted. 

"The world may never know," Tony joked. He turned the stereo back up and this time it was Alison who burst into song. 

"Let's get down to business  
To defeat the Huns.  
Did they send me daughters  
When I asked for sons?"

 

+++++

 

"What is this," Alison motioned towards the heap of poles and nylon.

"I've seen more realistic abstract paintings," Felix commented, tilting his head to the side as if to get a better view. 

"We should help them," Tony reasoned. 

Beth walked up from behind the group where two tents stood and a campfire had been started. The third tent was supposed to create a semi-circle around the fire pit. 

"They're not done yet?" 

"Yo, mountaineers, wanna give us a hand?" Sarah growled, standing from where she had been bent over a mess of tangled poles. 

"I thought you guys 'totally have this'," Beth recounted Cosima's words. 

Cosima looked up from the instruction sheet that she and Delphine were trying to decipher. "Obviously I miscalculated, okay?" 

"No need to get all excited," Alison broke in, striding over to Cosima and holding her hand out. "We'll get this sorted," she reassured Cosima with a smile, "Just let me see that paper." 

Cosima easily handed it over and Alison got to work instructing the three on how to properly put the tent together. Within the hour it was set up and the campsite was complete. 

"So what was this that I heard about food on sticks?" Delphine asked later as they sat in chairs around the fire. The sun was slipping below the horizon and the sky was painted in hues of pink and orange. An evening chill begun setting in but the blazing fire pushed back against it, creating a zone of heat that they basked in.

"Ah, the finest American cuisine," Tony declared, leaning over to open a cooler. He pulled out several packs of hot dogs and held them up proudly. "And," he continued, catching Cosima's horrified expression, "soy dogs for our veghead." 

Cosima's stomach growled in response. 

"Well, Cos' stomach has spoken, wha' are we waitin' for?" Sarah piped in. 

Tony grabbed a pile of long, metal skewers out of a bag next to his chair and passed them around. 

"Now this I can get down with," Felix exclaimed, wielding his skewer as a sword and stabbing at Sarah who vigorously parried with the offending object. After a few more moments of mock battle the pair settled down and the group got down to business. Several hot dogs were sacrificed after being burnt beyond recognition but eventually everyone had a dog in a bun that was mostly palatable. 

Delphine examined her meal for a minute in silence. Cosima noticed her trepidation and leaned over, whispering, "don't think about it too hard or you won't eat much this weekend." Delphine took Cosima's words into consideration for a moment before gulping and taking a bite. Cosima watched as she chewed the questionable meat-and-bun combo for a few seconds before delight overtook her features. 

"This is delicious," Delphine said in wonder. 

Cosima laughed, "I'm glad you think so. Wanna try my veggie dog?" 

Delphine's eyes widened at the processed soy dog. "One thing at a time," she decided. 

"Suit yourself," Cosima bit down on hers and moaned exaggeratingly. 

"Uh, Cos, you good over there?" Sarah asked from her place across the fire. 

"Oh, she's just dandy," Felix commended with a lecherous smile. 

"Leave Cosima alone, guys, she has to get it where she can find it," Tony joked. 

Cosima's eyes flashed, "what does that even mean?" She wondered if he knew about her and Dana. 

"Nuffin," Felix interjected around a mouthful of food, glaring at Tony. Cosima sighed inwardly and cursed Felix's inability to keep a secret. 

Alison mercifully steered the conversation away from Cosima, allowing her to sit back and enjoy dinner with all of her favorite people. 

After they finished eating Tony popped open the other cooler and passed beers around, with only Delphine and Cosima declining a bottle. They already had plans. Cosima looked up towards the sky and smiled at the clear, dark expanse dotted with glittering points. 

"Delphine and I will be back in a while, we have a date with the infinite cosmos," Cosima pointed up towards the sky and stood. She reached into the pocket of her hemp pullover hoodie and pulled out a small bag filled with a few fat joints. 

"This is for tonight," Cosima wiggled the bag and tossed it at Tony, who happily caught it. 

"Be safe will ya?" Sarah rhetorically asked as she drummed a beat on her lap with open palms. 

"Of course, these are my bear fighting arms," Cosima flexed a sleeve-covered bicep. 

Delphine, who was standing beside her, poked the ghost of a muscle. "I will protect us," she declared soberly. Cosima rolled her eyes as a laughter rang around the campsite. 

"We entrust you with our little nerd, Delphine," Beth laughed, "go forth and science."

Cosima shook her head and silently herded Delphine away from her offending friends. They made a quick stop by their tent to grab a few supplies before setting off to a clearing that Cosima found earlier in the day. 

Cosima wordlessly walked ahead of the other girl. As they left the glow of the fire and entered the woods the light around them dwindled into almost nothing. Cosima felt a soft hand on her shoulder, bringing her to a halt. She turned around to face Delphine but was only able to see a sliver of alabaster skin illuminated by a faint beam of moonlight through the trees. Remembering that she was the one carrying the lantern, Cosima flicked the switch on the battery-powered light source and bathed them in a dim but steady light. 

Delphine was worrying her bottom lip and looking at Cosima with anxious eyes. "I didn't mean to make fun of you in front of your friends," Delphine promised, scanning Cosima's face. 

Cosima sighed and looked at a point just beyond the other girl, thinking. It only took her a moment to decide that she was being ridiculous. 

"No it's fine, I get it" Cosima reassured Delphine with a smile. "You want to get along with them and that's just their twisted way of bonding." 

Delphine's features calmed. "Oui, that's all there was to it." 

Cosima looked into hazel eyes and saw nothing but honesty. 

"Come on, we have stars to explore." Cosima grabbed her friend's hand and led them through the darkness, silently hoping that the bit about bears really was just a joke. 

+++++

The passage of time eluded Cosima and Delphine as they lay shoulder to shoulder under a brilliant field of countless stars, laughing ridiculously while sharing a joint and making up their own constellations after Cosima gave up trying to identify the proper ones. 

Eventually conversation shifted to space travel and Delphine abandoned the position on her back to face Cosima, head propped up on an elbow. 

“I’m telling you, laser-based propulsion is legit the future. Thirty percent the speed of light is unheard of,” Cosima articulated, using her hands to convey enthusiasm. “We’re talking over two hundred million miles per hour. At those speeds probes can reach Mars in a matter of days and the implications for interstellar travel are mind blowing.” 

She glanced over at Delphine for a response to find that the blonde was staring at her with an indecipherable expression. 

“Oh man, I totally did it again,” Cosima dropped her arms, “I nerded all over the place.” 

“Non,” Delphine protested, “I love it when you do that. It’s adorable.” 

Cosima’s breath hitched before she firmly reminded herself that Delphine didn’t mean it that way. 

“Besides,” Delphine continued, “I agree. Faster than light travel is problematic at best, not even taking into consideration the astrophysical improbabilities of achieving a working model. Laser technology is readily available and is a far more realistic starting point towards interstellar travel.” 

Cosima gawked.

“What?” Delphine innocently asked with a knowing smile. “I do pay attention when you speak, Cosima.”

“Oh don’t be a bitch,” Cosima laughed, totally backed into a corner. 

“Come on,” Delphine leaned over and patted Cosima’s stomach lightly. “Let’s get back before the others come looking.” 

Cosima lagged behind the other girl on the way back to camp, stomach doing somersaults where Delphine had touched her. 

 

+++++

The stargazers emerged from the treeline and were greeted by five pairs of mischievous eyes. Cosima slowed her pace and regarded the group with suspicion. They had been gone for over an hour - plenty of time for shenanigans. Cosima made a mental note to check her sleeping bag before getting into it. 

"We're going to play a game," Tony announced as they reached the circle of chairs, handing each of them a beer. 

"Should we be scared?" Cosima asked as she took the same seat that she vacated earlier. 

"Of us?" Alison slurred the tiniest bit and made an exaggerated 'pshhh' noise, dismissing the question with a flippant wave. 

"We're late to the party," Delphine commented.

"It's just gettin' started," Sarah returned, rubbing her hands together joyfully.

"So," Felix broke in, leaning forward, "Cosima. Truth or dare?" 

Cosima's eyes widened. "Oh, no, we're not doing this," she protested.

Delphine straightened her back and took a sip of cold beer, grimacing slightly at its taste. "Hmm," she smiled, "sounds fun." Cosima groaned. 

"We like this one, Cosima," Beth declared, pointing at Delphine from her position next to Alison. Their chairs had migrated closer to one another and Beth's other hand rested on Alison's lap. 

"Truth or dare Niehaus," Felix reiterated. Cosima sighed, there was no escape. 

"Truth." 

"Right out of the gates," Sarah laughed. 

"Would you ever get down with the penis?" Felix asked, raising a perfectly-plucked eyebrow. 

Cosima played with a dreadlock, thinking. "Sure," she concluded, "if I liked the guy attached to it." 

"Come on, that one was easy," Tony chided Felix with a poke. 

"Sarah, truth or dare?" Cosima grinned toothily, possibilities running through her mind. 

"Not about to spill my secrets to you lot, so dare," Sarah said, lifting her chin in defiance. 

"For the rest of the game," Cosima tapped her chin with a thoughtful finger, "you have to speak in a Russian accent." 

"Zis is no problem," Sarah haughtily said before turning towards Alison and Beth. "Alison, truth or dare?" 

Alison fleetingly appeared alarmed before clearing her throat and choosing, "Truth." 

"Is Beth a top or bottom?" Sarah asked, propping her chin up on a closed fist in a pose of absolute interest. 

Beth instantly straightened and as Alison opened her mouth to respond she clapped a hand over the other girl's mouth. 

"You don't need to answer th- HEY," Beth exclaimed and pulled her hand away, wiping it on worn jeans. She shot a sour look towards Alison who smiled reassuringly. 

"It's fine, Elizabeth, they can know the truth," Alison threaded her fingers through Beth's and turned to regard the group. "I wouldn't know." 

"Vhat do you mean?!" Sarah demanded. 

"Ah ah, Sarah, I answered your question. My turn." Sarah folded her arms in a huff, obviously unhappy with the turn of events. 

Alison's eyes scanned the group and landed on Delphine. "Delphine, truth or dare?" 

"Truth," Delphine responded, combing fingers through blonde curls in order to get them out of her face. 

"Who was the first person you kissed?" 

Delphine's eyes lowered, face fighting to remain impassive. 

Cosima fiddled with the rings on her fingers as a shot of anxiety coursed through her body. Steeling herself, Cosima lifted her eyes and found Delphine's - a mutual understanding passed between them and she answered for Delphine, 

"Me." 

The group exploded around Cosima and Delphine as their eyes remained locked. Cosima was searching her friend's face, not sure what she was looking for. Delphine's jaw was set but her expression was open. The blonde nodded almost imperceptibly and Cosima knew that, for the first time ever, they were going to share this story.


	4. Chapter 4

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Join me on Tumblr @ ionicallyme.tumblr.com for updates and Cophine goodness.
> 
> Also totally related to fanfiction: my buddy Saint11icarus and I are making a podcast about femslash fanfiction! You can find us at saffic-the-podcast.tumblr.com

"Delphine and I met when we were kids," Cosima began after the group settled down.

"I was eight," Delphine picked up the story. "My papa is a real estate developer and we moved here for the summer so he could oversee the American division of his company. I really didn't want to come," Delphine laughed, "I pouted for at least the first two weeks we were here. My maman grew tired of me and found a place that she knew I would love, one of my favorites back home." 

Cosima smiled in memory. "My mom took me to the library every Saturday. I would set myself up behind several piles of books because the other kids wouldn't bother me that way. One day this little blonde girl totally ignored my wall and started talking gibberish to me." 

"Gibberish?" Delphine scrunched up her face, "Ha-ha, Cosima." 

Cosima grinned back and winked at her friend. "Anyway," she continued, "she was horrible at English but somehow I understood that she wanted to snag a book in one of my stacks. It was this encyclopedia of microbes for children and I was amazed that someone other than me would want to read it." 

"Mostly I wanted to look at the pictures," Delphine explained, "I really was horrible at English."

"So she sat down right next to me behind my wall and we looked through science books for hours." 

"Awww," Alison broke in, holding a beer to her chest and gushing. 

"When do we get to the snogging?" Felix asked.

"Must you be so vulgar?" Alison grimaced at Felix and turned back towards Cosima and Delphine, "go on." She looked at them expectantly. 

"We spent the rest of that summer together and I forgot that I didn't want to be in this country. When it was time to go home I was very sad to be leaving my new best friend but my papa told me that we would be spending future summers in San Francisco." 

"She came back for the next three," Cosima chimed in, "and by that time she was, like, my favorite person." She smiled sideways at Delphine, who chuckled lightly. 

"Towards the end of that last summer we were hanging out in Delphine's room talking about this boy in France that she was smitten over. She was convinced that she needed to practice kissing so her first time would be perfect." 

"Solid logic," Tony commented with a thumbs up. 

"I was twelve," Delphine reminded him playfully before growing serious. "Cosima went along with my crazy plan. It was as if my maman could sense it," Delphine's eyes fleetingly fluttered shut, "the door opened and we jumped apart but it was too late."

"Her mom went berzerk. Like," Cosima waved her arms, "full on crazy. She started yelling in French and before I knew it the nanny was driving me home in silence. It was..." 

"Terrible," Delphine finished. "My parents were like I had never seen them before and papa sent maman and I back to France early. As far as I knew I was never going to see Cosima again because of a stupid plan." 

"Well, Delphine lives here now so..." Sarah urged. She had dropped the Russian accent but Cosima decided to not comment. 

"We moved to San Francisco when I was fifteen because my papa's company needed him here full time. Before we came they told me that I was to never again speak to Cosima. They threatened to send me back to France to attend boarding school if I didn't obey."

Beth snorted, "I see how well that worked out." 

"We ran into each other at school. She pulled me aside and told me everything. I was so pissed, man." 

"After I calmed Cosima down we decided that we could still be friends," Delphine looked at Cosima once more, smiling softly. 

"Just that nobody could know," Cosima concluded then sat back and stuffed chilled hands into the front pocket of her hoodie. The group was silent, each of them apparently digesting the information in their own way. Cosima was suddenly uncomfortable.

She breathed a sigh of relief when Delphine gently cleared her throat.

"Tony, truth or dare?" Delphine asked him, folding one leg beneath herself and cuddling into the chair.

"You kidding me, after that? Dare," Tony responded and everyone laughed, the moment of tension dissipating into comradery. 

+++++

Cosima woke to the chilly atmosphere of a dew-covered tent. Still mostly asleep she burrowed deeper into the sleeping bag and savored the pocket of warmth. As she settled into place Cosima felt the body behind her move closer and snuggle into her back, wrapping an arm around her midsection. She instinctively moved backwards but froze upon hearing a soft snort. 

She opened her eyes to Sara's blurry outline. Squinting, she made out that Sarah was propped up on an elbow. Cosima reached up and grabbed the glasses that had haphazardly been tossed above her head the night before and pushed them onto her face. 

"You're so wrapped," Sarah whispered, eyes accusing. 

"Don't be ridiculous," Cosima mouthed. 

Sarah rolled her eyes and nodded towards outside, "let's go then, let princess sleep." 

Cosima gave Sarah an evil look but reluctantly agreed. "Fine, you first." 

Sarah nodded and, stealthier than Cosima expected, shimmied out of her sleeping bag and through the door. Cosima strategically extracted herself from her bag and Delphine's grasp, surprised that she didn't wake the other girl up. 

Bright beams of light shone through the trees and Cosima found beauty in the way they glinted off the dew that covered the campsite. She stood just outside the tent and let the crisp air fill her lungs. 

Following the sound of rustling, Cosima found Sarah rummaging through the back of the Pathfinder. 

"Whatcha looking for?" Cosima asked lightly as she approached, cocking her head to the side. 

Sarah stopped and glanced sideways at Cosima. "My bag," she responded, "I ain't wearing these clothes again." 

"Ah, I remember seeing it next to mine." Cosima moved next to the punk and rooted around until she located her patterned bag. She grabbed it and the tattered one next to it. 

"Here you go," she offered the bag to Sarah, who gratefully accepted it. 

"Shall we?" Sarah asked, indicating the path to the restroom and shower area. The only way that Tony could convince Felix to actually come was to reassure him that the woods had plumbing of some sort. 

They fell into step with one another. 

"Are we really the first ones awake?" Cosima questioned, amazed at the prospect. She and Sarah were usually the last ones up at any given sleepover. 

"Nah, Beth just strapped up her running shoes and took off." 

"More power to her," Cosima said. As far as she knew Beth went for a run just about every morning- a practice that she could only understand in theory. 

Sarah grunted. "She's insane for getting up at the ass crack of dawn but it seems to help her up here," she motioned vaguely towards her brain and Cosima nodded, understanding. 

"How do you think she's doing since..." Cosima trailed off, knowing that Sarah would fill in the gap. 

"Doin’ better, I think. Alison helps," Sarah remarked, eyes forward. Cosima nodded thoughtfully and, sensing Sarah's acute discomfort, let it go. 

They walked in amicable silence for another few moments before Sarah stopped and turned towards Cosima. 

"Cos, I normally wouldn't ask you this, but," Sarah hesitated. 

"Ask what?" Cosima prompted, not liking Sarah's tone. 

"I usually keep to my own shit, ya? I got enough of it to keep me busy, but I've been watching you and Delphine, and I-" Sarah closed her mouth and sighed. "Is there something going on there?" 

"What do you mean?" Cosima shifted, fixing her glasses. 

"You know wha’ I mean," Sarah's gaze leveled with Cosima's, not giving an inch. 

"There is nothing going on between Delphine and I," Cosima vowed. "It's not like that." 

"I don't care if there is, Cos. There's just potential for some real trouble there," Sarah's eyes softened. "I'm just lookin' out." 

"There's nothing to worry about," Cosima repeated, hands stuffed in pockets. "Plus," she scoffed, "Delphine is straight." 

Sarah breathed, "If you say so." She looked down at her feet for a moment before nodding towards the path ahead. "Come on, that shower is calling my name." She took off down the trail and Cosima watched her for a moment before following. 

+++++

 

"We're here," Tony announced as they pulled into his driveway. He shut the engine off causing Sarah to stir. Beth gently kissed a sleeping Alison's forehead and murmured something that Cosima couldn't hear over the sound of Sarah's grumbling. 

Packing up the campsite had taken longer than anyone intended and it was well after midnight.  
Instead of pounding music the SUV had been absolutely tranquil on the trip back home. Two days filled with hiking, canoeing, swimming and general partying had wiped everybody out. Felix spent the trip home folded into the front seat, occasionally talking with Tony. In the middle seat Sarah had slept with her forehead pressed to the window while Alison slumped against Beth, who held her with one arm and silently watched the surroundings. 

Delphine sat sideways, her back resting on a pillow that was propped up against the window. Early in the ride Cosima volunteered her lap to the exhausted blonde who gratefully stretched her legs out and promptly fell asleep.

Cosima looked over at Delphine, amazed that other girl hadn't already woken up. Her face was colored with sun and blonde hair was braided off to the side, a single wavy tendril resisting the style and falling down. 

Cosima smiled and lightly tapped Delphine's legs in order to rouse her. Delphine's face scrunched at the disruption but she remained asleep. 

"Wakey wakey Delphine," Felix sing-songed loudly from the front seat. 

"I'm awake," Delphine mumbled without opening her eyes. 

"What she said," Sarah agreed, tiredly rubbing her face. 

"Anyone who wants to can stay here," Tony offered. 

"Fe and I are down, ya?" Sarah looked at her brother, who quickly agreed. 

"Alison and I are going back to my house," Beth said. 

"I'm good but thanks," Cosima added. 

Delphine yawned and regarded Cosima with sleepy eyes. "I can take you home."

"Fine but I'm driving," Cosima insisted, moving her hands off of the legs in her lap so that Delphine could reclaim them. Delphine nodded and sat up. 

One by one they filed out of the Pathfinder and went their separate ways. Cosima ushered Delphine into the car and told her to wait there while she retrieved their belongings. 

As they pulled onto the road Delphine made a quiet request. "Can we go to the clubhouse?" 

"Won't your parents, like, wonder why you haven't come home?" 

"They won't be home until tomorrow night," Delphine assured her. "I'll text Dana and tell her that if they ask then I'm still with her." Delphine didn’t wait for Cosima’s protest. Instead, she retrieved her phone and sent the text. Cosima shook her head but said nothing. They had been tempting the fates all weekend and she wondered how far their story would hold up. 

Cosima focused on the city streets that were still moderately busy even though it was late at night. At a stop light she stole a glance towards the passenger side. Delphine was passed out, arms and legs folded snugly into the seat and her face completely relaxed. Cosima smiled. 

Delphine often wore tension in her features and Cosima cherished the moments when it dissipated. She sometimes wondered why Delphine even made time to be her friend, for all she had to go through to make it work. When everything else in Cosima's life got crazy, Delphine's friendship was the one unwavering force. After Cosima's father died Delphine found a way to be with her any time of the day or night that she needed, no matter what. Looking back Cosima was in awe of the fact that Delphine pulled it off without getting into trouble. 

Delphine made a muffled noise and snuggled further into the seat, lips parting slightly. Cosima felt a familiar flutter rise in her chest and steeled herself against the emotion.

A horn pulled Cosima out of her reverie. She cursed under her breath and pressed down on the gas, stealing another quick glance towards Delphine to make sure she was still asleep. Reassured that the other girl hadn’t been disturbed, Cosima navigated the streets towards their secret hideaway. 

When the derelict building came into view Cosima pulled the car onto a side street where it could be safely parked. Delphine’s eyes fluttered open as the engine cut off and they silently made their way into the building, Cosima carrying most of the bags. 

Once they were inside, Cosima secured the padlock and flipped the switch on a lamp while Delphine walked towards the bed. She sat on the edge and began working on the laces of her boots. 

Cosima slumped onto an armchair and her eyes instinctively sought out the blonde. She took in tousled curls and the languid way that Delphine moved as she stripped down to a camisole, not realizing that she was staring until hazel eyes met hers. Cosima’s heart stopped at being caught.

“Um, I’m gonna go change,” Cosima mumbled, rocketing towards her bag and then the bathroom, berating herself the entire time she changed into harem pants and a tank top. 

Removing her glasses and perching them atop a cabinet, Cosima moved over to the sink and washed her face. She blindly grabbed a towel and dried herself, sighing into its soft embrace before looking up and into the mirror. 

“What the hell is wrong with you?” Cosima whispered harshly at the blurry likeness. Something changed over the weekend. Cosima had always been able to ignore unbidden thoughts towards Delphine but her body had suddenly betrayed her, demanding attention. 

She bowed her head, shoulders slumping as trembling hands gripped the sink. She had to get over this, whatever it was. 

“Cosima?” Delphine’s soft voice called from the other room. 

Cosima straightened and cleared her throat, “be right there.”

When she reentered the other room Delphine was sitting cross-legged on the bed, wearing barely there shorts and a camisole that did nothing to conceal pert nipples. Cosima swallowed and moved over to the couch, picking up a blanket on the way. She could feel Delphine’s gaze following her but refused to return the look. 

“There’s space over here,” Delphine pointed out, glancing at the bed in silent offering.

Sharing a bed was something they had innocently done countless times but somehow Cosima found herself unable to bear the way that their bodies would inevitably tangle together throughout the night. 

“It’s cool, I’m good over here,” Cosima insisted, getting into position on the undoubtedly lumpy couch before finally sparing Delphine a glance. The other girl remained in position, regarding her silently with downturned lips. 

Cosima hated that look but instead of following the pull that she felt towards Delphine she took her glasses off then closed her eyes and rolled over, facing the opposite direction. 

After another moment of silence Cosima heard rustling before the room went dark.

“Goodnight then, Cosima,” Delphine whispered as she walked past the couch on the way back to bed.


	5. Chapter 5

“So the cancer cells are made immunogenic through the introduction of genetically modified viral vectors?” Delphine spoke as she wrote into a notebook that was nestled in her lap atop a biology textbook. She looked up at Cosima, who sat across from her on the couch in a similar position, for confirmation. Cosima nodded silently, knowing that the other girl was only speaking out loud to solidify the information in her own mind. 

They had been interacting in a similar fashion for a few hours and Cosima was reaching the end of her attention span. Occasionally the blonde would twirl her pen around and rest the tip between slightly parted lips and furrow her brow in concentration, driving Cosima to complete distraction. 

Since the camping trip Delphine insisted on hanging out as often as possible. Cosima had expected a certain level of awkwardness after her behavior the night they returned but instead it was like nothing happened. Unable to rationalize her newfound emotions with the reality of the situation, Cosima was more confused than ever. 

A soft breath and the thud of a closing book pulled Cosima’s attention away from reliving each instance Delphine had innocently touched her in the past week. 

“It’s movie time,” Delphine decided. 

“I never thought I’d hear you say those words.” Cosima shut her own notebook and tossed it on the floor. 

“I’ll get the kale chips if you hook up the laptop.” 

“You just don’t want to mess with cords,” Cosima retorted. 

“Guilty,” Delphine easily agreed as she stood and pushed her arms towards the ceiling to stretch her long body, exposing pale flesh and a taut stomach. Cosima quickly averted her eyes and stood.

“I don’t mind,” Cosima noted as she rushed towards her backpack, “besides, there isn’t much I wouldn’t do for a kale chip.” She paused, eyes rolling at herself. 

She grabbed the bag and took a shaky breath before turning back towards Delphine. 

“I know,” Delphine winked, comically distorting her face before moving towards the kitchenette area, unaware that Cosima’s breath had caught at her antics. 

When they finally got around to starting the movie, Delphine brought a blanket over from the bed and placed it over them. She curled into the couch and positioned the bowl of kale chips in the narrow space between them. 

Cosima chucked and grabbed a kale chip, “You are aware that I am going to dump loads of useless trivia on you throughout this entire movie, right?” She asked, popping the crispy leaf into her mouth. 

Delphine smiled indulgently, “I expect nothing less.” 

The warmth that spread throughout her body as Delphine smiled at her was quickly followed by the same dirty, guilty feeling that Cosima had begun to associate with the entire situation. Instead of wallowing she turned her focus towards the opening bits of The Fellowship of the Ring. 

As Gandalf rode into the Shire Cosima felt her pocket vibrate. Delphine looked over at the intrusion and Cosima reached under the blanket to silence the device. Seeing that it was a text from Dana, she turned the phone slightly and opened the message. 

\- My place, tomorrow. It has been too long ;). - Cosima breathed, the sexual tension pent up in her body suddenly screaming. Maybe some time with Dana would help. 

\- For sure - Cosima quickly sent the text and put her phone on silent before returning her attention to Gandalf delighting hobbit children with theatrics. 

*****

“You sure?” Cosima asked, trying to ignore the teeth nipping lightly at her earlobe.

Dana sighed and brought her face up to meet Cosima’s. “For the last time,” she leaned in and hovered close, “They won’t be home until later tonight. Now kiss me.” Cosima grinned and hooked her index finger through a belt loop and firmly pulled Dana closer, taking the other girl’s mouth into her own. 

Dana shuddered and loosened the belt that cinched Cosima’s dress before pressing her backwards. Cosima went with the motion and sat back on the bed, riveted as Dana began to sway her hips and tease the buttons on her jeans. 

She reached out but Dana shook her head and stepped back. “Uh uh, Cosima, you-” from within Dana’s pocket her phone began to ring. Cosima watched in disbelief as instead of silencing the offending device, she immediately answered. 

“Heeeeey Delphine,” Dana chirped, smiling wide and turning her back to Cosima. 

Cosima closed her eyes and sighed internally, slumping further down onto the bed and throwing suddenly-heavy arms above her head. Cosima listened while Dana giddily related the tale of how Ryan Avery asked her to prom. 

Dana told Cosima about it earlier and seemed apologetic- tiptoeing around and justifying the social need to be seen at prom with Ryan. Cosima hoped that she came off as understanding but the truth was that she didn’t care. 

“Wait wait wait, he did what.” The scandalized tone of Dana’s voice caused Cosima to peek an eye out from under her arm. Dana moved over to the computer chair across the room and sat down, oblivious to Cosima’s sudden attention. 

“Oh my god,” she gasped, “you two are going to be the cutest couple in the room!” Cosima shot up, heart pumping faster at Dana’s words. Somebody asked Delphine to prom? They had spent the entire previous day together and Delphine mentioned nothing. 

“No, Delphine, you HAVE to. Chris is so hot.” Dana began twirling the chair around lazily, smiling at Cosima when she rotated past. Cosima tried to act uninterested but her ears were ringing and she needed fresh air. 

“Brittany is going to hate you. She definitely has a thing for him.” 

Cosima stood up and fixed her dress, adjusting the material and buckling the belt with fumbling hands. Dana turned back around and questioned her silently but Cosima could only offer what she hoped was a convincing smile before moving over to grab her shoulder bag. So focused on getting out of the house, she barely registered Dana hanging up the phone. 

“Hey,” Dana was suddenly there with a hand on her arm, “What’s up?” 

“I just have something to do before work. Totally forgot about it until now,” She lied, injecting every bit of false sincerity that she had into the statement. 

Dana studied her face for a moment before nodding. “Alright, maybe we can finish this later?” She ran her hand down Cosima’s arm. 

“Sure.” Cosima leaned in and gave the other girl a chaste kiss. “See ya later.” 

She quickly let herself out and walked down the road for a few blocks in a daze before stopping at a corner and closing her eyes tightly against the tears that threatened. “Shit,” she cursed and breathed in deeply, pinching her nose. 

“Cosima?” 

She looked up to find Beth’s sunglass-obscured eyes regarding her from behind the wheel of her car. 

“Uh,” Cosima cleared her throat and gave Beth a watery smile, “hey.” 

Beth looked at her for another moment then tipped her head towards the passenger seat. “Get in.” Cosima briefly contemplated refusing the order but Beth’s expression left no room for protest. 

“Where to?” Beth inquired when Cosima settled into the front seat.

“The bookstore is fine,” Cosima mumbled, picking at the material of her dress. Beth wordlessly put the car in drive and turned in the direction of Cosima’s job. Beth reached into the backseat and retrieved a bottle of water then offered it to Cosima with a slight smile. “My throat always gets dry when I cry.” 

Cosima let out a shaky laugh and gratefully took the offering, “thanks.” Silence stretched between them as Beth gave her time to compose herself. 

“You don’t have to say anything,” Beth began after a few minutes, glancing over at Cosima. “But if you need to, I’m here.” 

Moving her attention from the window, Cosima gave Beth an incredulous look. “You hate talking.” 

Beth tilted her head in concession. “About my feelings, maybe, but yours are fair game.” 

Cosima sighed, “It’s really stupid.” 

“I doubt it,” Beth disagreed, eyes on the road as she turned into an intersection.

“Some guy asked Delphine to prom and I-” She paused. “She didn’t tell me about it.” Cosima watched as Beth’s lips pursed and she nodded thoughtfully. 

“What?” She urged, unable to handle the silence. 

“And this bothers you, why?” 

Cosima stared blankly at the other girl. “Well, I-” she huffed, “It bothers me because I, just, I-”

“You love her,” Beth supplied the words that Cosima couldn’t say.

Cosima’s head fell back against the seat in exasperation. “Not you too. Did you and Sarah have a fucking pow wow?” 

“I suppose we just have eyes,” Beth commented, the edges of her lips lifting up. 

“No, I don’t,” Cosima stated carefully. “She didn’t tell me about this and I’m supposed to be her best friend. It’s a pretty big development. She’s never had a boyfriend. She’s never even showed interest in anyone!” 

Beth shot her a look that quickly softened at Cosima’s downtrodden face. She smoothly pulled the car in front of the bookstore and put it in park then moved around to face Cosima at a better angle.

“You’re the dumbest smart person I know,” Beth said fondly. “There are definitely some things going on below the surface that you’re not dealing with. That shit will tear you up, Cosima.” 

Cosima stared thoughtfully at Beth. “Dude,” she grinned, “that was really deep.” 

Beth shook her head at Cosima’s evasion tactic. “This is your yearly allotment,” she deadpanned. 

Cosima chuckled. “Seriously though,” she sobered up, “I’ll think about it. Thanks for the ride.” 

Beth turned back towards the steering wheel. “Of course, Cos.” 

Cosima took a moment to gather herself before stepping out of the car and onto the sidewalk that bustled with late-afternoon pedestrians. 

\-----

Cosima struggled towards the back of the store carrying a tall stack of books to their new home. Mrs. Evans had plans for a display featuring an author who would be coming to the store for a signing so Cosima was on rearranging duty.

The books hit the shelf with a thud and she bent down, sweeping an errant dreadlock out of her line of vision as she began alphabetizing the books. A shadow fell over Cosima and she paid it no attention, assuming that the customer would either wander away or ask her a question. 

A familiar voice cleared and whispered, “Cosima?” 

Cosima looked up to find Dana nervously fingering the pages of a book, standing close but somehow detached. 

“Um,” Cosima’s eyes swept the store as she stood, “What’s up?” 

Dana sighed and finally looked up, “I feel stupid now that I’m actually here. You just never responded to any of my texts.” 

Confused, Cosima dug into her pocket and pulled out her phone to find that it was off. She sheepishly showed Dana the screen. 

“My bad,” she apologized, still perplexed as to why Dana was standing in front of her in a very public place. They never met in public. 

“Oh, well, I just wanted to make sure that we’re cool,” Dana searched Cosima’s face. “You kind of ran out earlier. I’m sorry that we can’t go to prom together. I really wish we could because-,” she glanced over Cosima’s shoulder before looking back and lowering her voice, “because I do like you.” 

“Dude,” Cosima chuckled, “You’re totally off base. Look, I don’t want to go to prom and I definitely get why you feel like you gotta go with Ryan. It’s cool.” 

Dana shuffled uncomfortably. “Then why did you run out?” 

“I had stuff to get done,” Cosima shrugged, returning her attention to the stack of books. 

Dana sighed and opened her mouth as the bell signalled someone entering the shop. They turned around as an achingly familiar form passed through the door frame. 

“Delphine!” Dana exclaimed, gripping the book in her hands tighter. 

Delphine’s step faltered when she saw Cosima and Dana standing next to one another. She smiled at Dana brightly but her eyes questioningly flitted to Cosima’s. 

Cosima broke away and busied herself with the bookshelf, most of her attention remaining on the exchange playing out mere feet away. 

“Sooo,” Dana sidled up to Delphine, “we need to go dress shopping soon, yes?” 

Delphine was silent for a moment and Cosima fought the need to look at her.

“Soon,” Delphine quietly agreed.

Dana squealed, “You said yes! This is going to be so much fun.” 

Cosima bowed her head and bit back tears that she didn’t have the right to shed. She gathered a few books and straightened. Feeling Delphine’s gaze she spared a look over to find hazel eyes locked on her over Dana’s shoulder. The other girl noticed nothing as she babbled on about getting a limo. 

Cosima forced her face to remain impassive even though her eyes were shining with tears. Delphine frowned almost imperceptibly but Cosima could see it and in that moment she knew that the blonde could see right through her. 

Her complete transparency pissed Cosima off and she stormed towards the back room- fully intending to avoid speaking with Delphine for just a little while longer.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Since you're reading this I am going to assume that you like fanfiction so you should join my buddy Saint11icarus as we discuss femslash on our podcast: saffic-the-podcast.tumblr.com
> 
> I can be found on tumblr at ionicallyme.tumblr.com
> 
> Thank you to everyone continuing to stick with this story!


	6. Chapter 6

Cosima lay sideways in an armchair next to the open window, wisps of smoke curling from a lit joint in her hand. With unfocused eyes she watched the smoke follow the draw of an air current through the window, head limp against the tall back of the armchair.

She heard the door open but took another long pull before looking over.

“We need to talk,” Delphine stated, leaning in the doorway with folded arms.

Cosima silently regarded Delphine for a moment before exhaling a cloud of smoke from her lungs. “What if I don’t want to?” she asked, attention returning to the stream of smoke easily escaping now-heavy air.

A soft sound of frustration and then the joint was being pulled from Cosima’s fingertips and snuffed out in an ashtray. Dilated eyes sharpened and Cosima glared upwards at the source of her torture. Delphine stood her ground, not giving Cosima an inch.

“What are you even doing here? Daddy might find you and take you away.” She taunted.

“That’s not fair,” Delphine breathed, a shadow passing over her face before it set once more. “I had to come find you since you were so keen on avoiding me at the bookstore.”

“Yeah, well, take a hint,” Cosima spat.

“Don’t play that game, Cosima. You knew I would look for you here,” Delphine reasoned, glancing around as if it was the most obvious thing in the world. Maybe it was.

Cosima just continued glaring at Delphine, who stood stony-faced and unyielding. As she opened her mouth, another insult prepared, Delphine’s features shifted and her brow furrowed. “I’m sorry,” she croaked, voice tight.

Upon processing Delphine’s apology, she deflated. “Why?”

“You think things like prom are silly and I-” Delphine frowned, “I didn’t want your judgement.”

“Oh,” Cosima sighed. “That’s what you think this is about.”

“Maybe. I don’t know, you haven’t been talking to me lately. You’re acting so strange.”

Cosima worked her jaw, not sure how to respond without giving away too much. “I just thought we were best friends.”

“Cosima,” Delphine stepped closer. “You’re my person. How could you say that?” Cosima’s heart clenched tighter at Delphine’s use of the often-repeated phrase.

“You’ve never had a boyfriend, not really, and now you suddenly have one and didn’t tell me. I had to hear about it from freaking Dana,” Cosima pointed out.

Delphine’s brow furrowed. _Shit_.

“Why were you and Dana talking about me?” Delphine’s frown deepened.

“We weren’t. She came into the store and was going on about it to someone on the phone. I was lucky enough to be within proximity.” Cosima unconsciously fiddled with the rings on her left hand, falling deeper into her web of lies.

Delphine nodded, appearing to accept the explanation without question and Cosima shrunk further into the chair, feeling microscopic in the face of her cowardice.

“He’s not, you know,” Delphine searched Cosima’s face, “My boyfriend. We’re just going to prom together.”

“Right,” Cosima snorted. “Tell that to him. Chris has wanted you forever, everybody knows that.”

“What if I don’t want him?” Delphine asked earnestly, stepping closer.

“That’s a little after the fact, don’t you think?” Cosima challenged.

Delphine’s forward motion froze, the furrow between her brow deepening as silence reigned.

“What do you want, Delphine?” Cosima asked, looking up into the familiar face but unable to identify the many emotions found there. “Like, why are you doing this?”

“I don’t know,” Delphine responded simply, quietly.

“Maybe you should figure that out.” Cosima’s mind filled with questions that she needed to silence. She stood, maintaining eye contact with Delphine as she leaned around her to retrieve the joint from where it had been extinguished. Straightening again, Cosima pointedly perched it between dry lips and brushed past Delphine to sit on a couch across the room.

Delphine remained facing the window, shoulders tense. Cosima began to wonder if she was going to stand there forever when the cell phone buried within Delphine’s pocket broke the maddening silence.

Cosima busied herself by relighting the joint and taking smoke into her lungs, sinking back into the familiar feeling as she listened to the blonde speak in her native tongue. She stared blankly into the black television, losing herself in the way that Delphine’s mouth curled around each foreign syllable. Even though the words were indecipherable she could hear the confusion in Delphine’s tone, feel the hesitation in each pause.

“I have to go,” Delphine spoke after hanging up the phone. “Papa wants to speak with me.” She didn’t have to look at Delphine to know that the other girl was running a hand through blonde curls nervously at the prospect.

Moments later a hand landed on her shoulder, offering peace, but Cosima dipped away from its promise and instead turned around to force an empty smile. “You should do that. We can yell at each other more later.”

Delphine laughed, “I can’t wait.” She leaned down to kiss Cosima on the top of her head before straightening and leaving the room without another word.

“Shit,” Cosima cursed after the door closed, eyes shut tight.

She ran a shaky hand over the place where Delphine’s lips had touched and hoped that maybe the joint would clear the heaviness that hung in the room.

+++++

“In order for us to say that evolution is occurring we need a way to show that populations are changing,” Mr. White’s gravelly voice lectured, large frame resting on an unsteady podium as he scanned the room in an obvious attempt to hone in on disinterested students. It was the last period of the day on Friday afternoon and even Cosima was tuning out.

Cosima’s lab partner, Scott, gently shoulder checked her. Dreadlocks flew as her head snapped up and she fixed Scott with a withering look. He shrugged apologetically and nodded towards the front of the room where Mr. White had moved from behind the podium.

“Now, we’re going to do a little exercise,” He said, pointing at the counter that ran along the back wall of the lab. “One of you from each group go pick a random packet.”

“I’ll do it,” Cosima said and stood, wanting to get some blood flowing back to her legs. She walked down the center row between long lab benches. Dana and Delphine shared the bench a few rows behind and diagonal to Cosima and Scott. Two sets of eyes tracked Cosima as she walked past, not noticing the fact that they shared the same object. Cosima breathed and pushed glasses further up her nose, refusing to acknowledge the attention as she trudged past.

Cosima perceived Delphine standing after she passed and felt her presence as the blonde slid into position behind her at the back of the line. She shifted her weight restlessly, one arm folded under the other as her eyes flitted around the room- no one was paying them any mind. The line moved slowly as students took their sweet time picking packets.

“We _need_ to talk.” Delphine whispered, the urgency of her tone mirroring the many messages that she’d sent throughout the week. Cosima worked her jaw and looked to the floor, thinking of the instances that she ignored Delphine’s calls.

Several times she found herself with the phone in her hand, unable to press send because she was aware of the inexorable eventuality of the circumstance- Delphine wouldn’t have her around if she knew.

So she said nothing.

The line moved and Cosima shuffled forward followed by Delphine, who leaned in just a nanometer closer. Close enough to make the hairs on the back of Cosima’s neck stand on edge as she softly pled, “S'il vous plaît. This is serious.”

Everyone went on like nothing happened but to Cosima is was as if a shot rang through the room. Eyes clenched shut and in that moment she decided to put an end to the situation.

She pulled out her phone and sent the text, -Not here. Meet me after school.-

Delphine’s phone vibrated from within her pocket and within the next tense minute Cosima received a response, -It might be hard to get away but I’ll be there.-

When Cosima’s phone registered the message, she frowned, confused by the words but had no time to process them as it was her turn. She grabbed a packet then walked purposefully back to her desk, planting firmly next to Scott and tearing into its contents; voraciously scanning the sheets to fill the deepening hole in her chest with science.

“Woah,” Scott said as Cosima plopped the packet in front of him. “You okay?” He questioned, squinting as he fixed lopsided glasses.

“Better than you,” Cosima declared, pointing to the packet. “I’m not the one with a terrible genetic deformity.”

“Sweet,” Scott exclaimed and scanned the packet’s contents.

Cosima chuckled and then focused her attention on the activity, amused by Scott’s enthusiasm at being the only student in the class with a rare, heritable respiratory disease.

*****

The hall bustled with the joyous noises of Friday afternoon as students moved about wildly in preparation for the weekend. Cosima steered Felix and Sarah as they walked towards the exit in a tight group. The siblings barely paid attention to their surroundings, too busy bickering about prom.

“I already told ya, Fe, Cos and I will be getting pissed,” Sarah gripped the straps on her bag in tempered annoyance.

Cosima smirked as Felix sighed. “There’s such a thing as punking too hard, Sarah. Watch yourself,” he warned.

Sarah rolled her eyes and grumbled, “whatever.”

Felix breathed a deep, cleansing breath and brought a hand down across his face in a calming gesture. “Fine, you two might be too cool but the rest of us will be there. After party at the Foundry.”

“Should’ve mentioned the after party first,” Sarah laughed, “we wouldn’t miss that part.”

Cosima’s awareness of their conversation slipped away as Chris and Delphine stepped into the flow of bodies directly in front of them. Her existence narrowed down to the scant inches between them as Chris leaned over and said something, eliciting a light laugh from Delphine.

Something burned in her stomach, rising up to sit heavily on her rib cage and forcing the air out of her lungs. She took in a shaky breath to re-oxygenate limbs that were suddenly heavy, registering Felix’s expectant face somewhere in the recesses of her consciousness.

“What?” She choked, forcing herself back into the conversation at hand. Willing her body forward.

“Party. Tomorrow night. Are you not listening at all?” Felix repeated, exasperated.

Cosima blinked and shook her head, “Right. Of course. Yeah, I’m down.”

Felix seemed to accept the answer but Sarah’s gaze was penetrating and Cosima needed to get away.

“I gotta go meet with Scott about our biology project. Totally forgot,” Cosima said, motioning towards the opposite direction. Away from Delphine and the guy with the perfect chin who could so easily interact with her in public.  

“I’ll see you guys tomorrow,” she promised with a wan smile and veered off sharply, refusing to look at Sarah’s doubtful face.

She walked to the back exit that led towards the stands of the practice field, needing the relative seclusion that they would provide. Relieved to find no one on the field, she quickly slid between the metal bars and into the pocket below the bleachers.

The silence allowed space for everything to catch up to Cosima in one shattering moment.

“Fuck,” She exploded, violently tearing the bag off of her shoulder and throwing it to the ground. Her voice echoed around the area and through her head, sucking the energy out of her body.

Deflated, Cosima sat heavily down on a beam and sighed.

Not for the first time, she wished that things were different. That Delphine would have shown some interest in her beyond friendship; anything to give Cosima hope in the face of the cold reality that she knew would come. Delphine’s presence in her life had always been unwavering and true with the purest of intentions. Cosima felt like a traitor for ruining it. For falling in love with her.

A tear fell as Cosima realized how long she had been hopelessly in love with her best friend. How long she had been clinging to the ruse of friendship, denying the truth to herself, just to keep Delphine in her life.

Eyes squeezed tight and she removed cat-eyed glasses, carefully wiping under wet eyes with shaking fingertips as to not completely look like a racoon. Replacing her glasses, Cosima took a steadying breath.

“There you are.”  

Cosima jumped up, attempting to return the glasses to her face with a shred of poise.

“Here I am,” Cosima echoed lightly, gesturing to herself. “What’s up?”

“I’ve been looking everywhere for you,” Dana said with a hint of embarrassment. “You looked off in bio earlier and I just wanted to check in.”

Cosima gave Dana the first genuine smile that she felt all day before sobering and regarding the other girl thoughtfully. Dana had always been kind to her and even though their arrangement wasn’t going anywhere, she was a good person.

Cosima gestured towards the beam. “Join me?” She sat down and waited. Dana walked over and sat closely to Cosima on the bench. She reached between them and ran her fingertips down Cosima’s arm, landing atop a clenched hand and covering it comfortingly.  

“You’re not okay, are you?” She probed softly, without judgement. “You haven’t been for some time now.”

Cosima looked silently down at where their hands met, jaw clenching repeatedly in effort to staunch yet another sudden flow of emotions.

Lips trembling, she shook her head.

Dana slid closer, wrapping an arm around Cosima while taking her hand more firmly in the other. Cosima allowed the change in position, feeling her resolve crack under such compassion from one of the two people whom she deserved it from the least.

“I’m so s-sorry,” Cosima choked, the dam breaking. Tears fell into Dana’s shoulder as Cosima took solace in her embrace. Dana’s hand cradled the back of her head, gently stroking dreadlocks in a calming fashion.

“Is it anything that I can help you with?” Dana asked after some time. Cosima shook her head silently before extracting herself and moving back into her own personal space. Glasses were removed once more and this time Cosima knew her makeup was a lost cause.

A tissue was thrust into her watery line of sight and Cosima laughed. “Thanks.” She spent the next moments returning herself to some semblance of order.

“I, um,” Cosima cleared her throat and sighed sadly, looking over at Dana’s patient face. “You’ve been so awesome, Dana, and this has nothing to do with you personally but...”

“You’re hung up over someone else,” Dana finished easily, matter of fact. Cosima gaped and before any response could come forth she continued, “And that’s totally okay. I knew what we were doing.” Her gaze broke away, “I’ve noticed you struggling over the past few weeks.”

Cosima slid her glasses back into place and scoffed at herself, “And in my mind I was doing such a good job of hiding it.”

She stood and paced a few steps before turning back and coming to stand in front of Dana.

“Can we be friends?” Cosima blurted. “It’s cool if you don’t want to but I just-”

“Yes,” Dana interrupted, moving to meet Cosima at eye level. “I’d like that. I’ll miss the sex,” she winked. “But I’d really like to be your friend.” Cosima laughed, relieved at the ease with which she accepted the change in their relationship.

She stepped forward and Cosima accepted the hug. After a few short moments Dana leaned back and then lips were upon hers. It was a gentle kiss that held finality and Cosima returned the sentiment.

A thud reverberated throughout the enclosure and then they were pushing one another backwards, scrambling to turn towards the source.

“Shit,” Dana cursed, rushing several steps towards Delphine who stood silently at the entrance.

Cosima wanted to do something, _anything_ , but was frozen in place at the look of utter shock on Delphine’s features. She watched the expression close and the only betrayal of any emotion was found in the sudden watering of brown eyes. Eyes that were pinned on her, paying no attention to Dana.

“We were just…” Dana’s hollow explanation trailed off and she followed Delphine’s gaze back to Cosima. “Oh.” The noise came from Dana’s throat, seemingly unbidden.

“Delphine,” Cosima gasped, breathing for the first time as she found her voice.

Delphine shook her head against the entreaty before looking at Dana for the first time. Cosima could feel the motion before it happened but flinched nonetheless as an open palm made contact with Dana’s cheek.

“Delphine!” Cosima surged forward.

“I’m okay,” Dana claimed, rubbing her face with only a slight grimace. “It’s okay.”

Delphine was staring at her hand as if it were mutinous. “No,” she looked back up, “It isn’t.” Something unknown radiated from Delphine as she took a step back and turned, leaving them as abruptly as she had appeared.

Cosima made to run after Delphine but a group of football players stampeded past and a firm hand held her in place.

“I’ll do it,” Dana said, moving past her and rushing out the exit.

Cosima, completely numb, remained rooted in place for several more moments until out of the corner of her eye she saw something laying on the floor. She picked up a thick manila envelope and turned it over in her hands, realizing that Delphine must have dropped it.

_Delphine_. Emotions returned in full force and she could only slide down a beam and onto the ground, clutching the package in her arms.


	7. Chapter 7

Chapter 7

Jessica Eastman’s parents were out of town and half of Anderson West had descended upon their two-story craftsman house.

Cosima sat in the backyard on a half-wall with Beth and Alison on one side and Tony on the other. The three of them were discussing something but Cosima’s mind refused to focus on the words. Instead she stared into the punch that someone had concocted and kicked the heels of her feet feet distractedly against the brick wall. The cacophony around her remained muted, like the roar of a jet in a windstorm. She was a part of everything yet somehow detached, listening but just barely.

She took a tentative swig of the punch, wincing as the intensity burned its way down her throat; slowly, thankfully, whittling down some of her sharper thoughts.

Alison winced over at her, “That can’t taste good. I saw Chad put like three different bottles of liquor in there.”

Cosima shrugged and regarded the hazy red liquid, “It’s alright.”

Beth had glanced over at Chad’s name. She too winced at the drink but then gently checked Alison’s shoulder with her own. “Leave her alone, she has some feelings to kill.”

Alison huffed. “She could just as easily discuss them with-”

“I’m right here.” Cosima interrupted Alison’s impending tirade. “I’ll talk about it when I’m ready,” she conceded, hoping the wolves would be temporarily sated.

“Good,” Tony piped up. “Because this mopey shit is exhausting.”

“Tony!” Alison and Beth exclaimed at once, sending him what Cosima was sure must be twin looks of death. She was too busy staring into her drink. He wasn’t wrong. Cosima sighed and looked up, giving her friends a smile that was only half-empty. She saw no reason to continue punishing them for her stupidity.

“Come on, guys, this is like one of the last parties before prom and graduation. Stop worrying about me and let’s enjoy ourselves.” Cosima nodded towards the large group of people who were screaming “Class of 2010” and jumping into the pool.

“Says the mopey one,” Tony mumbled before hopping up and raising his glass into the air. “To terrible punch and being dumbasses!” He declared and slammed back the rest of his drink.

Cosima looked down at her own solo cup in trepidation before downing the questionable liquid in a few choking gulps and holding it up in triumph.

Beth chuckled and stood, gamely reciprocating the toast. Alison, after being pulled up by Beth, exclaimed “what the heck!” and followed suit.

It was then that Sarah’s unmistakable, leather-clad arm slung over Cosima’s shoulder. “Here we have it, folks, the total corruption of Alison Hendrix.” Sarah leaned forward in conspiratorial laughter. The shifting weight jostled Cosima about carelessly so in an effort to keep them both standing she brought a steadying hand up to grip Sarah’s forearm.

“You’re drunk.” Beth accused.

“Not yet,” Sarah raised her beer in mock toast before taking a gulp.

The response, both an assurance and a promise, brought a smirk to Cosima’s lips. She could feel the warm pit in her stomach that began with her first sips grow into a comfortable numbness, enveloping the edges of her consciousness. Sarah was obviously a bit further ahead.

“You’re riding on the roof if you get puke-y, Manning.” Tony pointed his empty cup at Sarah before frowning down at its sad state and excusing himself to go find more terrible punch.

“Coming from you,” Sarah scoffed at Tony’s retreating back. “The one who usually ends up with his big head in the bin!” The only sign that Tony had registered her remark was a lazily raised middle finger.

Sarah smirked and clucked her tongue thoughtfully before turning back towards Beth. “Fe was looking for you. Something about a shoot out. Kennely said you couldn’t beat him.”

Cosima watched Beth’s face set with the challenge. Matt Kennely was her counterpart on the male soccer team and they were constantly locked in some bet or another.

Sarah’s eyes twinkled as Beth growled, “where?”

Cosima’s eyebrow raised as as Sarah deftly dispatched Beth and Alison, leaving them alone. She ducked out from under Sarah’s arm and turned an incredulous eye on the other girl. “Cut the shit, Sarah. I saw Felix sneak away with what’s-his-face earlier.”

Sarah grinned wolfishly and grabbed at Cosima’s arm but her fine motor skills proved ineffectual as Cosima easily sidestepped the attempt.

“C’mon Cos,” Sarah, undeterred, turned on her heel and started walking away.

Cosima blew out a breath. “Like hell. You’re being shady as shit.”

Sarah, only few paces away, clumsily pivoted back around and regarded Cosima silently for a moment.

“I could see the pitying looks from across the lawn,” she took another swig of beer. “You’re better off getting pissed in peace. With me.”

Cosima’s head cocked as she contemplated Sarah’s words.

Sarah impatiently tapped a finger against the bottle. “I’m not trying to shrink you, Cos. It’s obvious that something happened, what with all the angsty circling you two have been doing, but tonight you don’t need a comfy pillow and a good talk. You need a drink,” another chug. “Or ten!”

Cosima laughed at her friend’s antics. She knew that Sarah was sincere and, in her own very special way, was just trying to help.

“I mean, shit,” Sarah continued. “You look terrible but somehow she looks even worse. Walking around here with those sad French puppy dog eyes and frankl-”

“Wait,” Cosima stepped back as if dealt a physical blow. “She’s here?” Wide eyes flew around, scanning the crowd for golden curls.

“I thought you knew…” Sarah trailed off, considering her next words. “Spotted her a while back hanging with Chris and his dickhole friends.”

Had she really been that unaware? She was usually sensitive to Delphine’s presence, having spent so long carrying on in secret. Cosima’s brow furrowed and braceleted arms came up to rest clasped on the top of a dreadlocked head.

Everything was wrong. She had been trying to talk to Delphine all day and nothing; each call went ignored, every text unanswered. Dana told her that Delphine wanted to be left alone but Cosima wouldn’t be deterred. She screwed everything up and now she would fix it.

“I have to talk to her.” She didn’t know how or what she would say, but of that she was sure. She had to talk to Delphine.

Sarah snorted. “Fat chance getting her away.”

“Sarah either be helpful or shut up,” Cosima warned the punk and rolled her shoulders, attempting to expend some of the nervous energy suddenly ringing throughout her body.

“I wasn’t-” Sarah snapped her jaw shut. “Shite. I am being helpful.” She ran a hand through unruly hair. “You and me, right now, we’re going to the drinks table and you’re gonna bloody love it.”

“You’re drunk.”

Sarah face pulled in hard lines for all of two seconds before she cracked a smile. “Maybe just a bit. Come on, let’s get pissed and forget about the sad French puppy,” Sarah beckoned Cosima forward with a finger as she walked backwards.

Cosima opened her mouth to protest, she had to find Delphine, but then closed it as logic prevailed. Barging over to Delphine would only exacerbate a bad situation. No, she would wait, so against every instinct that she had to immediately fix the problem, Cosima followed her leather-clad friend into some trouble.

*****  
The next morning awareness was not Cosima’s friend. She woke slowly, brain wading through molasses to reach the bright light of day. Upon opening her eyes sharp points of pain assaulted sluggish gray-matter, immediately followed by an intense nausea that caused Cosima’s eyes to snap shut against the barrage.

She groaned, piteously writhing in place.

“Shut up,” Sarah’s sleepy, muffled voice came from beside her.

Cosima wracked her memory for some shred of recollection as to how up ended up at- one eye peeked open to blurrily take in the room- Sarah’s house.

“How did we get here?” Cosima brought her hand up to her face, confirming that her glasses were absent.

“I don’t care,” Sarah moaned, rolling over and shoving her head under a pillow.

_They played ring of fire and Sarah broke the ring. The king cup was a toxic mixture of liquids and Sarah goaded Cosima into sharing the punishment. It was, after all, Cosima’s fault that they had lost the previous two rounds of beer pong._

_After choking back the most acrid tasting substance she had ever experienced, Cosima dragged Sarah outside. Delphine was in the corner of the room and had been surreptitiously sending Cosima glances, obviously disapproving of the vigor with which Cosima and Sarah were drinking. She couldn’t handle it anymore. Cosima’s drunk brain wanted to march over to Delphine and- and- what? She didn’t know what, and somehow her sober future-self’s logic once again proved superior so instead she made a beeline outside._

_The air was crisp and Cosima took in lungfuls as Sarah slurred something to Tony, who had joined them. Cosima’s vision had begun to double and everything held a fluid quality; for a moment she swore that she could feel the Earth spinning. She had to lay down._

_“I’m going to lay in the car,” Cosima blurted. She held out her hand expectantly for Tony’s keys. He handed them over with a warning that all puke should be directed outside of the car, or otherwise. Otherwise what, she didn’t care, and took the keys with a murmur of assent._

Cosima’s memory lapsed and she sighed, realizing that in their race towards oblivion she and Sarah had probably acted like idiots in front of the whole school. At least, she comforted herself, they had been in a sea of idiots.

Cosima lay with an arm slung over her eyes trying to discern the amorphous forms playing at her memory. She wasn’t sure how long she remained there with Sarah’s occasional snore breaking the silence within the room, slicing through the dissonance in her mind.

Then, she remembered. Although the recollection was hazy and incomplete, her mind seized with realization.

_She had been fumbling with the keys, shoving one after another into the SUV’s door, when the siren’s call came from behind._

_“What are you doing, Cosima?” Delphine’s voice, filled with undeniable disappointment, made Cosima’s alcohol-warmed blood run cold._

_The keys clattered to the ground as she lumbered around to face the blonde._

_“This isn’t you,” Delphine was frowning as she stepped closer._

_Cosima fell back against cold steel, grounding herself as her world tilted mercilessly._

_“I could say the same for you.”_

_Delphine’s steps faltered._

_“You’re ignoring me,” Cosima pushed on. “I’m sorry, okay? I’ve been fucking your friend but it wasn’t my choice to hide it.” Delphine flinched at the language and it emboldened Cosima. “You don’t get to just walk away because you don’t like it- What about us, huh?”_

_The blonde’s eyes hardened. “You understand nothing, Cosima. You haven’t tried to.” The last words were tinged with sadness and Cosima, suddenly unsure as to what they were even talking about, was confused._

_“What is there to understand? You’re mad that I didn’t tell you about Dana. I said I was sorry. Why can’t we just go back?”_

_Delphine’s frown deepened and she shook her head slowly. “I dropped something yesterday and Dana said you have it,” She held out her hand. “I just came to get it.”_

_“So,” Cosima forced out. “That’s it?” She huffed and threw her hands up in the air. “This is what does us in?! After everything we’ve been through.”_

_“No,” Delphine’s breath hitched. “Not this.”_

_“Then what?!” Cosima screamed, voice raw with emotion. Someone might have heard them but she didn’t care. She only cared about that moment and the way Delphine’s lip trembled as she whispered, “I can’t.”_

Cosima came back to reality as a tear slid down her cheek and shame washed over her.

She remembered grabbing the manilla folder and throwing it at Delphine’s feet only to watch it burst open, contents spilling all over the sidewalk. Delphine fell to the ground in a desperate attempt to quickly gather- gather what? Cosima couldn’t remember. She hadn’t paid attention, instead turning to grope around for the keys before stumbling away.

“Oi,” Sarah murmured, suddenly facing her with concern. “You okay?”

Cosima’s face screwed up and she shook her head violently, throwing hands over wet eyes, hoping to dam the inevitable. Sarah was having none of that and gathered Cosima’s trembling body into her arms.

“Shhh,” Sarah soothed, stroking Cosima’s hair as sobs wracked her slight frame.

When Cosima finally caught her breath all she could mutter was, “I think I lost her.”


	8. Chapter 8

Delphine was supposed to quit smoking. It was a stinky habit and like so many others in her life, top secret. Cosima was the only one who knew and mostly she pretended not to care but Delphine noticed the way her nose ring danced when she lit one up.

She snorted quietly at Cosima’s poor acting skills.

  _Cosima_ \- the reason why Delphine was hidden away between boxes and the attic window, taking slow pulls of tobacco and watching smoke dance in the midday light filtering through stained-glass. She sat there suspended in time, reminiscing on everything that was and everything that could never be; decision made and actions taken, there was no going back. It had to be this way.

 She leaned slightly over to grab the top photo off a stack on the floor. It was a candid shot, grainy in quality but clear in content. She expelled a trembling breath and brought it close to her chest, eyes closing in frustration.

 She tossed the photo aside and - not for the first time that day - cursed every deity she could think of or make up before resigning, head pressed limply against the window frame, just watching smoke and thinking about how everything became so completely chaotic.

 

*****

Delphine hadn’t wanted to go camping that weekend with Cosima and her friends. In fact, she thought it was a terrible idea. She couldn’t comprehend what had possessed Cosima to even think that it was feasible… And then Cosima convinced her to go along with the madness.

 Somewhere between the mischief in her eye as she talked about eating ‘weird food’ and earnestly declaring that she wanted Delphine there, the blonde was unable to resist.

 So she went camping with a group of people that, despite going to the same school for years, she had barely ever interacted with. Delphine realized as they drove that this patchwork of individuals were the people that Cosima spent time with when she wasn’t with her; the other half of her life, and they had only just formally met. It was always strange to have light shone on the duality of their lives.

 Nearly sitting on top of one another amongst the luggage in the backseat of that SUV, Delphine’s heart felt impossibly full as she watched Cosima’s face light up with the thought of supernova remnants. She had to move away or risk kissing the girl right then and there.

 That night as they lay in the field underneath a blanket of stars, Delphine again watched Cosima. As she she used her hands to make a point about propulsion technology, Delphine wondered if one day she might have the courage to tell Cosima that she was absolutely in love with her; that the best parts of her life included simply being in her presence. She almost did but then Cosima looked at her and every ounce of courage fled her body.

 Then they were around the fire sharing parts of their lives buried for years. As their story unfolded she thought of that little girl with glasses too big for her face who looked at her funny as Delphine - in very plain English - asked for one of the books that she was hoarding. During that summer Delphine learned what friendship was and in subsequent ones realized the depth of her emotion for Cosima.

 She smirked internally as she remembered that stupid ploy of hers to kiss Cosima. Boy in France? There had never been anyone else.

 Cosima was indignant as Delphine detailed her parent’s demands but calmed when reassured that she held no intention of allowing them to be separated. How naive, but she had been desperate to make it work.  

 So they made a plan. It was rather easy to be strangers at school because their social groups were so far removed. Occasionally their eyes would meet in the halls and Cosima would secretly wink; tiny moments of shared intimacy within an unknowing world. Moments that Delphine lived for.

 Part two of the plan had been considerably more difficult to pull off. They agreed to avoid meeting in public so Delphine got creative and on Cosima’s 16th birthday presented her with a key belonging to a flat in a converted warehouse. Her father’s company was holding the property until the economy improved and Delphine took the opportunity to secure them a safe space. The key hadn’t been easy to liberate but entirely worth every moment they stole at the clubhouse.

 Following the camping trip Delphine felt so close to Cosima, like they were on the precipice of something. After spending every day together for a week Delphine thought that maybe she was ready to be honest with Cosima about her feelings. Then something changed.

 In the ensuing time Delphine thought of a million possibilities, each one more outrageous than the last, as to why Cosima would suddenly be avoidant. Especially when Delphine needed her the most. In extremely bitter moments Delphine wondered if she would have made a different decision if not for Cosima’s abandonment.

 Then she found Dana with Cosima. All of the anger at her parents and confusion towards Cosima boiled over and she struck one of her best friends.

 When she calmed down Delphine thought that perhaps it would be better this way. Cosima would have Dana to take care of her; she wouldn’t be alone when Delphine left. It would hurt less. _Would she even care?_

 

+++++

 

Golden curls shook as Delphine pulled herself from the abyss otherwise known as Cosima.

 She once again reassured herself that she was doing the right thing. The affirmation had become a recurring shred of optimism that she couldn’t help but hold on to, the problem being that with each recital it felt increasingly hollow.

 She made the right decision. Hadn’t she?

 “ _We had a deal.” A stack of photos were thrown at her feet._

  _“Papa?” Confusion colored Delphine’s features as she caught glimpses of herself and others of what was unmistakably Cosima, in and around the clubhouse._

  _“I give you everything, Delphine. Everything. And I ask this of you, this one thing, and you can’t respect my wishes. You steal from me, from my company. You broke the law and for what?” Her father was livid, the vein in his neck bulging._

  _"I-I didn’t, Papa, I just-”_

  _“No. You and that girl have been seeing each other. We had a deal.”_

  _Delphine hung her head. There was nothing to say._

 " _This will never happen again.” Such resolution. Louis Cormier’s demands were always met, trespasses unthinkable, and Delphine was to fall in line. Except this time she didn’t._

  _Delphine’s eyes hardened and she looked up at her Papa’s furious visage. She wouldn’t lose Cosima._

  _“I want Cosima in my life, Papa. I demand it.”_

  _“You_ **_demand_ ** _it?” He spat in disbelief. “You demand nothing until it is your money responsible for giving you shelter, food, and a college education. You do what I say, Delphine.”_

  _“Fine,” Delphine calmly stated. On the inside she was shaking as she stood and met her father’s steely gaze. “I don’t need your money,_ _Grand-père saw to that.” His eyes widened as she brought up the trust fund._

  _She smirked and felt victorious as she turned to leave. He wouldn’t have the last word._

  _“Yes, but what will you do when your friend is in jail?”_

  _Delphine froze._

  _“What?” She turned. He held a stack of photos that were thrust into her trembling hands._

  _“I had my man follow her. He documented many of her illegal dealings.”_

  _Though grainy, the photos were incriminating; Cosima in the process of several shady interactions and although they could be argued Delphine knew that her father was serious. He would have the police search her and there would be no explanations. Cosima’s future, the one she worked so hard for, would be destroyed._

_No. This couldn’t happen._

  _Delphine’s eyes watered but she pushed the tears down deep and cleared her throat, steeling herself for what must be done._

_“What do you want?”_


	9. Chapter 9

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hello there gentle readers! It has certainly been a while since I published the last chapter, leading some of you to believe that I might have abandoned this story. Fear not, for I maintain that even though it takes me a good minute to post each chapter, it will be finished. I figure, however, that since I am filled with such guilt at leaving you hanging perhaps I should give some insight on my life situation and why I'm hella slow. 
> 
> I wanted to accomplish something very specific with this piece (it began as a writing exercise) and as such I place a great deal of weight on every word. This in and of itself leads to moving along at a glacial pace unless a particular inspiration strikes. This story (if you couldn't tell) is overwhelmingly angsty and when work first began on it so was I! A long-term relationship had just ended and I was going through a rough time so the emotions poured easily from mah fingertips. As time passed and I moved on from certain events, becoming happier and coming into my own, it was harder for me to grasp at those same heartstrings. Thus, glacial pace slowed to sub-glacial levels (Yep. Totally just made sub-glacial a thing). On top of that, I'm also just stupid busy. I work full time as a laboratory technician at a biotechnology company where I develop quantitative analytical test methods to evaluate components of our formulations. I really really really love my job and spend a lot of time with my head in the science clouds, which has admittedly on occasion led to less writing. On top if this, and if I needed any more things to do in my life, I am going BACK to college to further my career in chemistry. Soooooo, there's that. 
> 
> Please know that I read every single comment and some days the only thing that keeps me chugging towards the finish line is your support. I appreciate your words, gentle reader, and basically live off of praise and constructive criticism. I'm in this to become a better writer and maybe elicit some emotions from a few of ya'll along the way. 
> 
> That being said, I present you with a longer-than-usual chapter.

Cosima’s abused lungs struggled to keep up with Beth as she trailed behind the soccer player. They were jogging down a trail in the park and Cosima felt like they had been at it for hours. Perhaps even an eternity. Instead of continuing to dwell on burning thighs she attempted to clear her mind, to think of nothing and find some sort of zen state amongst the chaos. Instead her mind zeroed in on the whistle that sounded from deep within as air pushed through inflamed bronchial tubes.

“Beth-” a pant, “hold up.” Cosima came to a halt, bending over slightly as she struggled regulate erratic breathing. It took Beth a few paces to realize that she was alone but before long she was standing alongside a red-faced Cosima.

 

“Nu uh,” Beth admonished. “You need to stand up and put your hands over your head.”

 

Cosima shot her a look that said ‘make me’. Beth shook her head and gave a half smirk as she walked off; not wanting to be left behind again, Cosima rolled her eyes before pushing tired arms up to rest behind her neck and staggered forward to match pace with Beth.

 

They walked silently for a while and before long Cosima was breathing easy and actually enjoying the ambiance of the park in midmorning. It practically buzzed with energy; squirrels chased one another around tree trunks and birds sang ancient melodies. In that moment Cosima could almost forget about the shitstorm that life had become.

 

Almost.

 

“Is it too late to join you and Sarah tomorrow?” Beth asked.

 

“Hm?” Cosima shot Beth a sidelong glance.

 

“Your ‘fuck prom get pissed’ party.”

 

“Ah,” Cosima paused, shaking her head to catch up with the conversation. “No, yeah, for sure. Tony is jumping on the bandwagon too.”

 

Beth nodded and gave a vague sound of agreement before silence overtook them once more; except this time it was stifling and suddenly the birds didn’t sound so cheerful.

 

“I guess we just assumed you’d be going with-” “She’s going with _Chad_. Appearances and all that.”

 

Cosima grimaced. “I’m sorry, dude. That’s rough.” Beth shrugged as if it was fine but based on the almost-militant set of her body as she walked, Cosima knew it wasn’t.

 

“Have you talked to Delphine?”

 

“Way to change the fucking subject.”

 

Beth gave a half-hearted grin. “Well, have you?”

 

Cosima sighed. “No.”

 

“Have you tried?”

 

A deeper sigh. “No,” this time smaller.

 

“Why not?”

 

“Because she doesn’t want to.”

 

“How do you know that?”

 

Cosima stopped walking to stare incredulously at Beth, who reluctantly halted to stare back with a straight face.

 

“She made that abundantly clear, Beth. Delphine wants nothing to do with me. At school it’s like we never even-” Cosima threw her hands up in frustration, thinking of every time she tried to catch Delphine’s eye only to be ignored. The space in which there were once secret smiles and inside jokes now only held rejection. She went to the clubhouse almost every day, hoping that at least once Delphine would stop by and she’d be able to catch her alone. She never came.

 

A deep breath. “It doesn’t matter, though. Dana told me that she’s going to John fucking Hopkins next year, far away from here. I think the message is crystal.”

 

“John Hopkins,” Beth whistled. “That’s one way to get away.”

 

“Not helping,” Cosima gritted her teeth.

 

Beth’s gaze targeted over Cosima’s shoulder and she followed it towards a bench. They wordlessly moved towards it; Cosima practically harrumphed as she plopped onto its hard surface.

 

“I’m sorry,” Beth started. “That was out of line. It’s just…” She looked down at hands that were twisting atop her lap. “Alison is going to UCLA,” She said, voice devoid of emotion as she continued to stare downward.

 

Cosima’s breath hitched. “Shit. So you two are…?”

 

“We decided,” Beth stopped short and shook her head before chuckling humorlessly. “ _Alison decided_ that it would be best for us to go our separate ways after the summer.”

 

“That’s bullshit,” Cosima blurted. “Alison loves you.”

 

“She loves the image of who she’s supposed to be. To her parents, to the world.” Beth’s face screwed up. “It was always going to be this way.”

 

Cosima’s next words died in her throat. She moved almost imperceptibly closer to her friend, knowing that much more would not be tolerated. The ever-brittle Beth was close to breaking and she didn’t want to be the one to push her over the edge.

 

“I’m sorry,” Cosima whispered. The words were insufficient in the face of what Alison meant to the girl beside her but they would have to do.

 

Beth took in a shaky breath and glanced over at Cosima with glistening eyes. “I am too.”

 

They remained on that bench until the sun perched high in the sky, support drawn from shoulders that connected as they leaned ever so slightly into one another; joggers came and went and the squirrels continued their little games but Cosima was content to just _be._

 

+++++

 

In the weeks that followed Cosima continued to visit the clubhouse frequently, hoping against hope that her and Delphine’s paths might cross, until one day there was a new lock on the door; one for which she didn’t hold a key. In that moment of realization her stomach punched a hole straight through her diaphragm and joined the formless ooze her heart had become. She decided right then and there that she couldn’t waste any more time on someone who could so easily discard her entirely.

 

It was then that Cosima began walking around in somewhat of an emotional void. She spent the usual amount of time with her friends and focused on finishing senior year off with killer grades. The group’s typical banter, however, felt forced. As they neared the end of the school year there was so much hanging over their collective heads that they were all just going through the motions. It suited Cosima just fine.

 

If ever a moment existed where her brain might wander off and do anything crazy like think about Delphine, Cosima would instead bury her head in a book about something complex like quantum mechanics, a topic which would occupy her mind and shove out any wayward thought about bouncing blonde curls.  

 

Yet even when contemplating a mathematical universe in which the ability to know with certainty is certainly impossible, Cosima was still faced with one fixed variable: Delphine existed and no amount of controlling for that would mitigate its effect. She tried so hard, arriving early to each shared class to sit in the front row and occupy herself as other students filed in, ignoring even the possibility that hazel eyes might stray her way. Then with the first strike of the bell she would be the first to leave.

 

Occasionally her eyes would betray and track towards Delphine in the halls. In those moments Cosima would do her very best to not recognize that the other girl looked different. No, Delphine’s face was not more serious. Her smiles weren’t less generous. She didn’t look lost. Nope. Eyes forward, walk straight.

 

Although it was hard to ignore the pull in her chest she never dwelled or thought too hard on it and above all she never tried to reach out.

 

The only thought that kept Cosima sane was that soon it would all be over. Soon they would be throwing mortar boards in the air and celebrating the end of an era, only to start the next. She lived for the next. One that wasn’t irrevocably touched by that softly lilting voice and once-comforting presence.

 

So she moved forward. Always forward.

 

+++++

 

“You’re doing it again,” Sarah groused, punching Cosima in the leg.

 

“Ow,” Cosima complained, rubbing the spot that would surely bruise before shifting away from the punk.

 

Felix leaned forward from his place next to Sarah, staring intently and willing them with his eyes to shut up already. They were, in fact, causing a disturbance.

 

Senior awards were upon them. The night on which class standings, teacher and class ‘awards’, scholarships, and ridiculous little accolades would be handed out.

 

Finals were completed and grades, although not yet released to students, were in. The race between the top five contenders for valedictorian would be settled. Cosima was up against Cage Young, Sook Yoi, Scott, and Delphine. Out of the five, Cosima and Delphine’s GPAs had been the highest upon last count and they were shoe-ins for the positions. Even Scott had conceded.

 

“You’re going to get called up, just chill.” Sarah whispered annoyedly, ignoring an offended looking Felix.

 

Cosima just ignored her and stared forward at the ceremony which had been proceeding without their rapt attention.

 

It was then that Cosima felt the slightest touch on her other leg; softer, more comforting than Sarah’s brash reassurances, her eyes traced the tentative hand up to Beth’s understanding eyes and took a deep breath.

 

Cosima smiled and they nodded silently at one another. No matter what.

 

“This is the point in the night in which we get to the main attraction, if you will,” Principle Dunn laughed at his own joke before clearing his throat and shuffling around some papers on the podium. “Personally, I am proud of each and every matriculating senior. Graduation is a very exciting time in a young person’s life and not one that comes without sacrifice. You earned this and it is my honor to know that your success is at least in part due to our school’s support.” Another pause and someone in the silent audience coughed. Sarah slumped in her seat, pretending to doze off. “In every class there are a group of individuals who excel academically and bring glory to not only this school, but to themselves. They are indeed destined for greatness.”

 

Sarah nudged Cosima and muttered, “hear that, Cos’? You’re destined for greatness. Must be nice.” Before Cosima could respond Felix leaned over and clapped his hand over Sarah’s mouth, moving her head back towards the front.

 

“I am now going to call up the 10 students, in alphabetical order, with the highest GPA’s in the Class of 2010. You will walk up and receive the cords that will distinguish your accomplishment and then we will reveal the two individuals whom claim the prized spots of valedictorian and salutatorian.”

 

Principal Dunn took a deep breath and before he began announcing names Scott turned around from his spot in the row ahead and winked at Cosima. She smiled back, unable to deny his infectious enthusiasm.

 

Delphine, Alison, Cosima, and Scott were among those called up on stage to receive a gold cord, placed over their heads by a beaming Principal Dunn. Afterwards they walked through a gauntlet of deans and teachers who assaulted them with handshakes and hearty congratulations. It was cheesy as hell but at the same time one of the most gratifying moments of Cosima’s life. Somewhere in the audience her mother was watching proudly and her friends were cheering loudly.

 

The ten of them stood side by side on stage, soaking in the praise from the crowd. There were emotions swirling around in Cosima’s chest and for the first time in recent memory they were overwhelmingly positive.

 

“Now,” Principal Dunn’s voice rang again from the podium. He held his hand up to quiet the crowd. “Only two of these intelligent young adults can claim the top spots, so while I congratulate each of you, it is my honor to announce your class’ salutatorian Scott Smith!” Applause reigned once more and Cosima almost pulled a muscle from the smile that stretched across her face. She cheered loudly for the often-overlooked Scott who was one of the purest people she had ever known.

 

Cosima’s smile faded slightly and claps stuttered as reality set in. That meant…

 

“Taking the spot by thousandths of a decimal place, please join me in congratulating the Class of 2010’s valedictorian Cosima Niehaus!” Principal Dunn enthused, turning towards Cosima and clapping emphatically in her direction. Every inch of the auditorium was filled with noise but Cosima couldn’t hear them over the sound of her own mind.

 

This wasn’t how things were supposed to go. Delphine’s GPA had always been just slightly higher than hers. Delphine was the one who studied voraciously, she was the one who double checked assignments for accuracy. Cosima got by on innate ability and a comparatively small amount of effort. Delphine pushed her, made her better, and now? She was left standing alone in the spotlight.

 

No. They were supposed to be doing this _together_.

 

Cosima looked down the line at Delphine and was greeted by hazel eyes full of unshed tears. Except this time, instead of sadness or anger, they appeared to be tears of happiness. A smile eclipsed the blonde’s face and she was clapping enthusiastically along with everyone else. She looked… proud. Their eyes met and Delphine’s smile widened as a single tear spilled down her cheek. Dazed, Cosima unsteadily returned the smile before tearing her eyes away, back towards Principal Dunn who was attempting to regain the crowd’s attention.

 

“Yes, yes, congratulations Cosima and Scott. We look forward to your speeches. You better get writing!”

 

Laughter rippled through the audience and before Cosima’s muddled mind could process the change they were ushered backstage and presented to a photographer who positioned Scott and Cosima front and center, flanked by the other top eight students. Cosima tried to remain present, interjecting clever statements and giving her damndest to ignore the blonde making herself small at the edge of the group.

 

After the photographer obtained the proper shots they were sent along back towards their seats Cosima assured Scott and Alison that she’d be along, that she just need a moment, and before long she was left alone in the brightly lit hallway, muffled sounds leaking through the double doors leading back to the auditorium. She should have returned to her seat, safe between Sarah and Beth, but in that moment she was tired. Exhausted from running, weary of waiting, and drained from weeks of trying to ignore everything.

 

So she turned from the double doors and walked down the barren hall towards the backstage bathroom, seeking a moment's reprieve before facing what would assuredly be another whirlwind of well-meaning congratulations that would only serve to increase the anxiety coursing through her veins.

 

Coming to a halt in front of the metal door of the the single-stall women’s restroom she grasped the handle and turned, pushing the door open and blindly walking into the room before mindlessly sliding out of its way as it swung forward to slam shut. She flinched as the bang reverberated around the small room and took deep, calming breaths as she moved over to the small sink directly to the right.

 

Hands gripped either side of the sink, shoulders sagging underneath the weight of everything she could no longer bear quietly. Yet Cosima willed herself not to cry. Instead a single shuddering breath left downturned lips as eyes fluttered closed and a lone “fuck” harshly filled the empty space.

 

“Cosima?” The voice, timid and unsure, sounded like a scream to Cosima’s ears and she jumped, heart seizing at those three distinct syllables strung together so effortlessly. Only one person said Cosima’s name like that and eyes flew wide as she pivoted around to face the source of that unmistakable lilt.

 

Delphine sniffed and wiped her eyes as she gathered herself from the corner to stand taller. In the nanosecond before that facade fell into place Cosima could feel months of carefully constructed walls crumbling under the weight of that tear-streaked face.

 

“Are you okay?” Cosima asked dumbly before cursing herself inwardly. She hated being asked that question. Of course Delphine wasn’t okay, it was written on every inch of her skin and as she put an ounce of consideration forth, it had been for some time.

 

A quiet, broken laugh tore from Delphine’s delicate throat and she gave the semblance of a reassuring smile that died somewhere in stretched cheeks, never fully reaching her eyes.

 

“I’m fine,” she waved Cosima off before tucking a loose curl behind her ear and breathing out from between pressed lips. “I am so proud of you, Cosima.” Sincerity weaved through every word and Delphine graced her with a small smile. It was wet and her lower lip faltered but it was honest.

 

She couldn’t accept it.

 

“What happened?” Cosima’s voice was rough as the question pushed out through a constricted windpipe. She wasn’t sure exactly to what she was referring, whether it was class standings or the sad state of their friendship, but the question slipped out to exist in the space between them.

 

“This isn’t about me.” Delphine responded with quiet conviction.  

 

 _It’s always about you_. Cosima shook her head, frustration growing. “Delphine-” she took a step forward but Delphine held up a hand, visibly bracing herself against Cosima’s approach.

 

“Don’t.” Delphine whispered. She wiped away the trace of a single escaping tear and took a deep breath, regarding the ceiling for a moment before turning her attention back to Cosima.

 

“Please just enjoy your accomplishment.” Delphine implored her with big eyes and frowning lips and Cosima just couldn’t fucking do it any longer.

 

“How am I supposed to enjoy this?!” Cosima bit out harshly, arms tossed upwards in exasperation. “It should have been _us_ up there, Delphine,” her voice faltered, dipping unnaturally as she struggled around the words that had been echoing around the recesses of her mind. “What happened?” She asked again, this time with a steely glint in her eye, demanding to know _why_.

 

Delphine’s bottom lip sucked in with a sharp inhale and she bit down against Cosima’s words, nostrils flaring as the caught breath was released but still she said nothing. At Delphine’s silent resistance sobs threatened and Cosima’s hand shot up to cover the quivering evidence of her body’s betrayal. She turned towards the other side of the room to ground herself against cold porcelain.  

 

“I”m sorry,” Delphine wept from somewhere behind.

 

Cosima’s eyes clinched shut tightly as white-hot anger blossomed with Delphine’s words and she wheeled around to- “I love you!” Cosima’s voice was raw as truth spilled onto the ground, flooding the bathroom with a viscous reality. “You asked why I was avoiding you. That’s why. I knew I’d lose you because I couldn’t get my shit together and,” Cosima laughed humorlessly. “What good that did.”

 

Silence permeated in stale air and then the faintest reply floated to Cosima’s ears. “You love me?”

 

Cosima chose to ignore the question, instead letting it hang between them as they stared at once another while standing waist deep in the mess they created.

 

Delphine’s gaze broke first as she whispered, “I didn’t know.”

 

“Yeah, that was kind of the point,” Cosima returned bitterly and shook her head in disappointment. “You know what? Forget this. You already made your decision.”

 

She turned towards the door intent on leaving but before making contact with the handle a hand was desperately grabbing hers and pulling her into slender arms that held on with unexpected strength. Cosima fought for all of two seconds before her will broke and she buried her face deeply into Delphine’s neck, gripping at her back to bring them impossibly closer.

 

They cried into one another, suspended in time and space as they fell back into the rip in the universe that accommodated their relationship for so many years. Delphine bestowed mournful apologies to the top of her head as Cosima released her pain into the muscle cords of Delphine’s neck.

 

Lips pressed to the top of Cosima’s head before sure fingers fit beneath her chin to guide her face from its safe space; as she watched Delphine’s eyes roam across the planes of her face Cosima knew that she was irrevocably lost to this woman. This beautiful, infuriating human being.

 

Hazel eyes found their home on Cosima’s chapped lips and she instinctively wet them in response. Delphine’s lungs emptied in a short burst and then she was pulling Cosima closer, lips crashing together as their bodies moulded into an entirely new shape. Initially Cosima remained still as raspberry flavored lips assaulted her senses but then hands raised of their own accord to tangle in blonde curls.

 

It was salvation through damnation and Cosima drank it up. Their lips danced a frantic rhythm, in-sync but just barely as tongues crashed into flesh and teeth threatened to leave their telling mark. Delphine’s grip on the base of her neck tightened to the point of pain before the blonde pulled away and brought their foreheads together, breaths heavy and hot in the aftermath of the line that had been crossed.

 

Cosima opened her mouth but a thumb came to rest on her swollen lips, catching the confessions in her throat, and then Delphine was speaking but the words were all wrong.

 

“... so this cannot happen and for that I am so-” Her jaw worked and there were tears again, falling in rivulets down the blonde’s soft cheeks as she looked at her with those sad eyes. “-so sorry.”

 

Struck, Cosima fought the urge to lash out with words, to tear the beating heart from Delphine’s chest and throw it on the floor to join hers; instead she remained rooted to the floor, staring dumbly as the blonde gathered her purse from the corner and left in a flurry of wept apologies.


	10. Chapter 10

Delphine wanted to scream. Dinner, which recently became a formal requirement in the Cormier household, consisted of absolute silence broken by the clinking of glassware and probing questions. Graduation was in a few days time and Delphine had been asked on at least three separate occasions whether or not she had her cap and gown, to which she would paste on a smile while nodding and respond with some bright affirmation about how excited she was for the ceremony.

No matter. She could have jumped on the table and began reciting On the Origin of Species for all the attention they paid. No, this thin line of questioning was always a precursor to the real conversation where papa would lament on what a shame it was that she was knocked out of the running for valedictorian, that somehow it must be ‘that dreadful girl’s’ fault. Once, Delphine politely reminded him that ‘that dreadful girl’ earned her spot, to which her father tossed his napkin down and stood stiffly, politely reminding her that he could change that fact. She kept comments to herself after that.

Presently he had just finished another tirade about how people like Cosima would be the downfall of society. The inside of Delphine’s cheek stung from a puncture wound inflicted by raging teeth and every bone inside her body ached to speak up. Instead, she bit down harder and sat with a straight back, carefully dissecting a duck breast. There was nothing to be gained from making a show.

“Arrêtez de jouer avec la nourriture.”

Delphine’s breath hitched at the top but she covered the evidence of her frustration with a quiet exhale.

“Je suis désolée maman.” She put the knife down and took a delicate bite, counting each chew to calm the staccato rhythm in her chest.

The doorbell rang faintly from across the house and Delphine’s eyes fluttered in relief as papa stood. When he left the room her maman sent an appraising look. “You know, mon petit chou, we only want the best for you.”

“Oui,” Delphine nodded tightly.

“Delphine!” her papa’s voice beckoned from the front entrance and Delphine stood quickly to answer his call. Rounding the corner into the foyer she spotted a sheepish Dana who sent Delphine a small, unsure wave as she fully entered the room.

“Dana,” a formal smile. “I wasn’t expecting you tonight.”

“Yeah,” Dana said, tucking an errant hair behind her ear. “I, um, kind of need help with my class president’s speech. I’ve been putting it off all year and you got a better grade in English, so...” she smiled genuinely and Delphine couldn’t help but return it because in spite of everything Dana was still here and trying.

“Of course!” Delphine looked over at her papa who had been following their exchange intently. “Is that okay, Papa?”

He nodded, “that’ll be fine. I’ll leave you to it.”

Delphine’s eyes tracked him until the room was devoid of his presence and then motioned Dana towards the stairs. They walked in silence to Delphine’s room and once ensconced in its relative safety Dana was the first to break it.

“Wow. Things are tense here, huh?”

Delphine pursed her lips. “Quite.”

Dana nervously played with a thin, gold bracelet on her wrist, focusing on its movements as she twisted it around. Delphine suspected it was so she wouldn’t have to look directly at her.

“Delphine, look, I’m so very sorry about all of this.”

She waved Dana off, quick to avoid that particular line of conversation. “None of it is your fault.”

“No,” Dana conceded, “but that’s not the point. I hope you know that I would have never, ever, been with Cosima if I knew about your relationship. Like, I didn’t know and the moment I saw your face that day it was so obvious. I just,” she paused, fiddling with the bracelet. “I want to apologize for my part in your pain.”

“No,” Delphine’s head shook. “Cosima and I, we aren’t, we have never- no,” she fumbled to a finish because for a brief, fleeting moment they had. She could still feel the press of Cosima’s lips, hear the words that had been spoken in anger, in desperation. It was all in front of Delphine and she had walked away. No, she ran away.

Dana just looked at her. “Why not?”

“What do you mean?” Delphine scoffed, “ It’s a ridiculous, impossible notion. It could never happen.” Even she could hear the sadness that leaked out from between her lips.

“I mean,” Dana sat on the bed, hands clasped together over folded legs. She looked so formal, so unlike her normal self that Delphine was looking at a stiff caricature of her friend. “Once I saw it I couldn’t stop. I’ve seem the way you look at Cosima. I’ve seen the way she looks at you. Everything else about this situation might be a freaking mystery to me, but not that.”

Breath puffed from between Delphine’s tight lips. “Why are you telling me this?”

Dana’s chuckle was loaded with equal measures of self-depreciation and joy. “Because apparently I’m a hopeless romantic and I care about both of you fools. I’m also nosey and want to know why you haven’t fought for her. I might have been with her in the biblical sense but I was never the one she wanted.”

Delphine scoffed but it was then that she asked herself why. Was it because of her parents and their threats? Maybe because she was fated to leave in a few months time? Every reason she could conjure up lay bare in the face of the only truth she knew - loving Cosima Niehaus and being without her was like harboring a weeping wound that wouldn’t heal.

“We don’t have to talk about it anymore,” Dana interrupted her musing and Delphine was grateful, emotion prickling at the back of her eyes. “But I really do need help with this speech, so…”  
*****

“Move, you fuckin’ waste!” Sarah exploded from the couch, jamming her thumb insistently into an unfortunate button on Beth’s PS4 controller.

Thoroughly startled, Cosima nearly flopped off a chair she had spent the previous hour becoming one with. She was supposed to be writing the valedictorian address but instead spent the time half-watching Beth and Sarah play some FIFA game in between long periods of staring listlessly at a mostly empty sheet of notebook paper.

“Really?!” Sarah groused at Beth’s maniacal laughter. “A nutmeg? That’s cold.”

“Be cool, Sarah,” Beth smirked. “It’s only your third loss today.”

“It’s that fuckin’ number nine. He’s a right wanker.” Sarah fell bonelessly back onto the couch.

“Actually,” Alison pulled everyone’s attention towards the living room door where she leaned lightly against its frame, arms crossed. She had apparently been watching for some time, presence unnoticed. “There’s a hole in your defence, Sarah, you could have beaten Beth that last time if only your midfielder would have been more forward.”

“Are you trying to school me on football, Alison? I’m British, football is in my blood.”

“Oh please, you’ve lived in America for the past fifteen years. You’ve only retained your accent through sheer stubbornness.”

Sarah huffed defiantly and gave a mighty eye roll to which Alison rebutted with some other witty response but Cosima had tuned out from their almost-scripted banter to meet Beth’s eyes, quirking her head towards Alison in silent question. Alison hadn’t been around very much, claiming that she had many things to prepare for graduation and was too busy to participate in the group’s normal ‘hullabaloo’. Cosima was sure it had more to do with whatever was or wasn’t happening between Beth and Alison.

Beth dismissed Cosima with a tiny head shake. Then, like she always did, Beth took care of the situation and rose with an easy smile; Cosima envied her ability to play it cool. “Welcome to thunderdome, apparently. Come on Ali, I’ll get I’ll get you the thing.”

Sarah stuck her tongue out and received a middle finger in response, to which everyone laughed because Alison rarely indulged in such a vulgar gesture; really, the girl was a gem and Cosima would miss her when they all went off their separate ways.

“Those two are a mystery,” Sarah said.

“Yeah, well,” Cosima shrugged, “every one of us is generally a frakking mess so I’m just along for the trip at this point.”

“I’d drink to that. Although you’ve been less annoyingly mopey lately so keep it up.”

Cosima smirked. “Thanks,” she said sarcastically and without any real venom. She was aware that she had been… trying as of late, but Cosima was sure she turned a corner in her recovery from the drug otherwise known as Delphine Cormier. Withdrawal occurred promptly after senior awards and spanned the subsequent two days during which Cosima barred herself in her room and refused to take any visitors. There was a speech to write, a graduation outfit to spend her savings on, and friends to appease but she had no energy for such things.  
Instead she played a Dragon Age Inquisition save file she was sure to still be working on in a nursing home at eighty. During load screens her mind would wander to that bathroom and what went down. Cosima laid it on the table for Delphine and the blonde didn’t want her, just as she suspected, so even though it would tear her teenaged soul in two Cosima would carry on. Honesty cost ehr the one thing she hadn’t wanted to lose, but maybe it was for the best.

Sarah shoved a controller into Cosima’s chest. “You’re up.”

“Aw, man, come on Sarah you know i’m shit at soccer.”

Sarah’s eyes lit up. “Yeah well I gotta beat someone.”

*****

_Bang… Thud._

_Bang… Thud._

Cosima caught the ball and squeezed it, grounding her thoughts in its texture. With the flick of a wrist she flung it back towards the perfect spot on the ceiling _bang_ … and watched it follow the expected trajectory right back into her- _thud_ \- hands.

 _Bang…_ valedictorian speeches were overrated… _Thud_. Expected to stand up there all wise and reflective but they’re basically just kids, what the fuck do they know?

 _Bang_ … Inspiring quote here, references to legit teachers and shitty cafeteria food there… _Thud_. Somehow use words to encapsulate how utterly transformative and chaotically beautiful the last four years were.

 _Bang_ … Late night confessions with friends about who you wanted to be or were terrified to become… _Thud_.

 _Bang_ … The feeling of oneness found in silence around a crackling campfire in the dead of night… _Thud_.

 _Bang_ … Realizing that you’re in love with your best friend… _Thud_. That would certainly be something to tell the entire student body.

 _Bang_ … Love is overrated anyway… _Thud_.

 _Bang_ … It’s not as if - “You are thinking very hard”- what the… _Thud_. “OW!” Cosima exclaimed, holding her nose and shooting upright. Through the blur of pain-induced tears she could see Delphine standing in her doorway, a box cradled in lithe arms and mirth written on her face.

Cosima mustered a furious brow furrow to which Delphine barked out a shaky laugh. “Sorry,” she apologized without an ounce of remorse, “You just look so cute.”

“Shut up,” she groused, a reluctant smile pulling at the edges of her mouth. “Why are you here?”

Delphine sobered and indicated the box in her arms. “From the Clubhouse,” she explained. “The property has been sold so I snuck in to grab the important things.” A smile, “Wouldn’t want to pay for those textbooks.”

“Oh. Yeah,” Cosima nodded. “Sure,” she finished unintelligently.

“And…” Delphine placed the box down at the foot of the bed. “We need to talk.”

Cosima made a noncommittal grunt of acknowledgement and turned her back on the blonde, moving over to the chair in the corner of her room. She folded herself into its comforting warmth and took a moment to gather herself before looking back up at Delphine. “I think we’ve said everything.”

Delphine’s head shook resolutely and then she was kneeling in front of her, fingers splaying as they gripped Cosima’s knee. “No,” Delphine pushed out. “We haven’t. Please, just-“ her voice caught and she swallowed hard. “Just listen to me.”

Cosima’s bottom lip shook as she read the earnestness written along every plane of Delphine’s face. She nodded, unable to do anything else as she sat suspended in an infinite moment of anticipation. Delphine’s eyes fluttered shut. “Thank you,” she whispered, pressing a kiss to Cosima’s knee.

Silence blanketed the room but this time it wasn’t suffocating.

“My parents may decide where I go to school,” a dry laugh and Cosima could feel the puff of air on her knee from where Delphine’s lips hovered. “They may rule over many aspects of my life but I can’t- no, I won’t- allow them to dictate this.”

“And what is this, exactly?” Cosima’s voice cracked, unable to find purchase around the syllables.

Delphine’s laugh was killed by a sob and then those big eyes were looking through Cosima, “everything.”

“No,” Cosima slid out of the seat, narrowly avoiding bowling Delphine over. “We can’t keep on doing this, whatever _this_ is, because it’s confusing and it’s ruining everything. It’s ruining us, Delphine. You used to be my best friend and now I can barely even look at you.”

Delphine stood and took a step forward but Cosima stopped her with a look. “No,” she repeated. “I know it’s my fault. I’m the one who was stupid and cliche enough to fall for her best friend. I know that I’m the one who should be fixing it, but I don’t know how.” She looked at Delphine with sad eyes. “I don’t know how.”

In the next moment Delphine’s palms were cupping Cosima’s cheeks, thumbs soothing lines on her face. “So let’s fix this together.”

“What are you saying?”

Delphine’s face was open and incredibly soft and before Cosima could even process what that look might mean, Delphine pulled her close and brought their lips gently together in a kiss that was both timid and entirely sure; it was a connection, not the frenzied passion of their first encounter, and something entirely new formed between them as lips lingered motionlessly against one another. Cosima’s mind was reeling when they finally pulled apart.

“But you’re,” Cosima trailed off with a hand motion.

Delphine’s lips quirked. “I’m what?”

“You’re straight,” Cosima clarified.

Delphine’s smile broadened. “No,” she half laughed, half sobbed. “I’m just me.” She stepped into Cosima’s bubble again, hands splaying across either side of Cosima’s neck, thumbs resting on her jaw. “And i’m tired of fighting the fact that all I want is you.”

Cosima swooned; it was basically everything she ever wanted to hear and she had to forcibly shut down the part of her brain screaming that this was too good to be true. She placed hands on Delphine’s hips, gently pulling them closer.

“I’m right here.” Cosima encouraged and that was apparently all Delphine needed. Their lips merged with more purpose; teasing, tasting, revelling in whatever this was.

Even though it wasn’t perfect, Cosima finally had hope that maybe they could figure it out together. Later, of course, because right then Delphine’s tongue was tracing her bottom lip and that definitely required more immediate attention.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I understand that this turn away from angst might seem a bit abrupt. I had to have a conversation with myself about what I would have to do in order to find the desire to finish this story because for a while it was like pulling teeth. I couldn't put myself back into the headspace from which all of the angst flowed, but I know that this story deserves to be finished so I modified my original plan and made a turn. You all deserve closure with these characters and I seek to provide that so stick with me and I hope to finish this story as organically as possible.


	11. Chapter 11

Cosima wondered if it was a function of her age, the speed and severity with which circumstances could change, and figured that if much more happened she would definitely sustain whiplash.

The current situation was already making her head feel loopy. She and Delphine lay together on Cosima’s twin bed, the silence a brief lull instead of a void as the blonde played with her fingers. It was a weak pretense for hand holding but Cosima wasn’t going to say anything to make it stop.

“What changed?” She asked the question burning at the back of her mind.

A slight exhale. “Everything,” Delphine murmured. “And nothing; perception is funny like that, you know,” she said, loftily.

“Cut the shit.” Cosima grinned, poking a cheeky Delphine. “Arrogance is my game.” Still, it was good to see Delphine’s light again. Stuck in her own head, Cosima hadn’t realized how devoid of it Delphine had become until she could see it filling in the spaces once lacking. It was beautiful. Delphine was beautiful. And, maybe, also hers? That thought alone amplified the loopy feeling.

“Cosima, you have to understand.” Delphine’s eyes were searching hers and Cosima hoped that they reflected whatever she wanted to see. “I would never let anyone hurt you.”

Cosima kept her face impassive. “Oh,” she said, thoroughly confused. “Okay. Well, from where I’m laying all we have done lately is hurt each other.”

Delphine rolled over, propping herself up on an elbow to look fully down at Cosima. The hovering did something funny to Cosima’s body but Delphine’s expression did not scream ‘happy-fun-sexy times ahead’ so she wisely kept herself from pulling the other girl closer.  

“My father.” Cosima felt a pit form in her stomach. “I suppose he grew suspicious of how my time was being spent, that whatever occupied it might be detracting from my studies, so instead of talking to me he sent out his little spies. They brought back pictures; pictures of us, of the Clubhouse.” Delphine swallowed and Cosima waited. “One of them even tailed you when we were apart. He knows that we lied to him, how I stole from him, and about your illegal activities. What was I to do, Cosima? I had to obey his demands.” Delphine’s voice was begging her to listen now, hand cupping Cosima’s cheek as she leaned down to press their foreheads together. “I had to.”

Delphine began to tremble and Cosima took control; she wrapped both arms around Delphine’s shoulders and pulled her down into a cradle, rubbing circles into her back and whispering soft reassurances. “Shh,” she soothed, raining light kisses on Delphine’s forehead. “We’re here now, together. I got you.” That only seemed to make Delphine shake harder and Cosima began to seriously doubt her comfort game.

“Together?” Delphine’s voice held the same qualities as her body.

“Yeah, silly, you’re not getting rid of me now.” Cosima pulled back to wipe tears from Delphine’s face. “I’ll be like a spider monkey on your back.”

“My geek monkey.” Delphine smiled and Cosima couldn’t begrudge her of such a small joy.

“Always,” Cosima promised, unable to begrudge her of such a small joy. She closed the small distance and meshed their lips together, tasting salt from freshly fallen tears.

“So,” she leaned back, the still-unanswered question burning once more. “…what changed?” She asked, again, and this time Delphine gave the slightest of laughs.

“Dana.”

Cosima frowned. “Dana?”

“Yes, Dana. She knocked some sense into me.”

“Dana hit you?” Cosima’s frown deepened. “Do I have to-” The impending words fizzled and escaped Cosima’s mind completely as Delphine nipped her lips before taking them into her own.

She was entirely dazed as Delphine leaned back and leveled her with a look.

“Dana did not hit me, she would never do such a thing. Now,” Delphine scratched at the back of Cosima’s neck, goosebumps spreading outwards and down her arms. “Would you like to continue to talk about Dana, or shall we find something else to do before I’m due home?”

 

Dana who?

 

++++

 

Cosima expected to feel different today. Wasn’t graduation supposed to make you all reflective and profound? Instead she mostly felt nauseous. Whoever thought it was a good idea to make the most academically accomplished person in a graduating class deliver an address to everyone and their mother had _really_ followed the wrong ‘How to Care for Dorks’ handbook.  

She was sweating, which wasn’t entirely conducive to even foundation application, but at least her eyeliner was on point and the dress she saved up for was banging. She looked smart, felt sick, and was ready(ish) to rule the day. 

A light tapping at the door pulled her attention away from twisting dreadlocks into a bun.

“Come in.”

The door cracked open and her mother’s frame filled the space.

“Good morning,” Cosima greeted warmly before returning partial attention to her hair.

“Good morning, Cos. I see you’re already getting pretty for your big day.” A light smile played on her lips and Cosima was struck by how pretty it made her look; she was usually so weighed down.

Cosima smiled back, meeting her mom’s eyes in the mirror. “As ready as someone with a crippling fear of public speaking can be, I suppose.”

“You’ll do just fine,” she reassured, stepping a bit further into the room. “Your grandparents and I will be there and afterwards we are all going out to dinner.”

“Mom, we don’t have to do that-” “No.” She interrupted, laying a hand on Cosima’s shoulder. “It’s already been figured out. Let us spoil you a bit on your big day, hmm? We’re all very proud of you. I’m very proud of you.”

Cosima looked down. She had grown used to hearing that phrase but for some reason, on this day, it actually affected her. At that moment she felt powerful enough to go out and make something of herself; that she might actually be able to accomplish something outside of these four walls and, for the first time in her life, Cosima was truly speechless.

Her mom took the opportunity wrap her up in a loving embrace and then raise her chin so that their eyes could meet in the mirror again: “And I know that your father would have been the proudest of us all. He always said you had the smarts to do whatever you wanted, kiddo, and I know what even though you don’t believe in this sort of thing, he is smiling down on you today.”

Big, salty monsters welled in Cosima’s eyes and her mother kissed the top of her head.  

“Great,” Cosima’s bottom lip trembled and she gave a shuttering laugh. “Now I need to fix my mascara.”

“Good thing you got started early.” Her mom’s voice floated back as she left the room.  

Cosima sighed, regarding herself in the mirror; at least she no longer felt like she was going to vomit.

+++++

 

“You’re smiling,” Tony accused. “Why are you smiling?”

“I can’t be happy?” Cosima scoffed. “We’re graduating today! I can be happy.”

“Did you take something before you got here?” Tony asked, unconvinced.

“Leave her alone, Tony,” Felix walked up, wrapping an arm around Cosima’s shoulder. “Our little girl here is in lesbian love with a certain blonde someone.”

“At what point does it become plain love?” Cosima snarked half-heartedly.

“Hush now, chicken, you’ll strain your delicate sensibilities.”

“Woah,” Tony said, rejoining their exchange. “So does this mean that mopey Cosima is out of commission?”

“Okay, I literally never want to hear that word again.”

“What word?” Sarah asked as she walked up to the group wearing an honest-to-goodness _dress_. It was punk as hell but a dress nonetheless.

“Cosima here is just being contrary,” Felix provided, a wicked grin plastered on his face.  

“What do you have to be contrary about, Cos? You got the girl.” Then Sarah leaned forward and actually pinched her cheek. What the hell had gotten into everybody today?!

“I see that the news has spread around our little group,” Cosima said, unimpressed, as Beth joined the fray with Alison beside her.   

“What, that you and Delphine are on smooching terms?”

“Honestly, Cosima,” Alison chuckled airily. “You can’t hide anything from these people. They’re like sharks.”

“I don’t know,” Felix allowed. “She got away with it for a hot minute.”

“Guys,” Sarah interrupted whatever tangent they were about to go off on and Cosima was grateful. She then leaned in seriously, making them all circle closely together, and as if was a big secret… “We’re graduating today.”

Tony smirked. “Which is downright amazing for some of us.”

“Tony and Sarah’s GPA’s aside,” Beth said. “We did it.”

Cosima sighed. “It’s not over yet.”

Felix patted her shoulder; “You got this.”

“And if not,” Tony added. “You don’t have to see these suckers again.”

Which was actually quite reassuring; just in time, too, because their tenure as high school misfits was quickly coming to its end as the dean began ushering everyone to their seats.

Felix held out his arm to Cosima. “Shall we, Ms. Valedictorian?”

Cosima slipped her arm into the loop of his and took a steadying breath.

“We shall.”  

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Up next, graduation!


End file.
